Anxiety Holiday

Merhaba from Turkey!

I am currently sat by the pool in a gorgeous hotel in Antalya, Turkey.  Mr Brown is here for a congress with work & I have tagged along for my second holiday in the past 2 months!


Until recently I did not have an adult passport & it was to go on honeymoon that made me finally get one organised.  I hadn't been on holiday since I was 15 years old, nearly half my life ago!

Last year we went on honeymoon in September & we made it a trip of a life time packed full of places & lovely memories.  I have always seen other things as more important than a holiday such as paying off student debts, having a car, & general every day stuff!  However after the honeymoon I had caught the travelling bug & desperately wanted another holiday - somewhere, anywhere, there was a whole world out there I had been missing out on.  With my depression, going part time at work & moving house, holidays just weren't a priority so I gave up thinking about it.

Then up popped a trip to Italy.  My father in law would turn 60 in October & for his birthday he wanted to take the whole family to the villa in Italy they have been visiting for the past few years.  Wow a holiday & so generously paid for by my in laws.  Italy was wonderful & I will blog some more about it soon.

A few months into the year my hubby mentioned that he was going to Turkey & I may be able to tag along.  This fell through a few times with his work commitments then suddenly it was back on! Another holiday in November! This holiday is a whole different kettle of fish (never really understood that saying) instead of having loads of family around & very little time on my own, I would be on my own most of the day & with hubby & work colleagues in evenings.

I was optimistic, yeah I'll be fine, I'll just sit by the pool I said.  I'll please myself. Easier said than done for a girl with mental health issues. As isolating as depression can be, being forced to be on your own in a foreign place has been worrying.

Instead of the intended holiday from my anxiety I seem to have packed bag loads of worry & doubts in my case. I am shy, painfully when I am anxious so meeting Mr Brown's colleague was difficult as usuall hubby made me feel at ease & praised my efforts at small talk. Phew that's that done now I can relax right?

It seems like no.  In packing all this worry & doubt I had no space for any clothes that make me feel comfortable.  Self conscious at the best of times, faced with bare arms, legs & clothes I just avoid in the UK I am struggling.

So 3 days in I have finally made it out of the room & to the side of the pool. Go me!!

Not before changing several times & still feeling very self conscious I might add. Don't even get me started on how I feel nervous I feel at the restaurant having lunch for one!! So for the rest of the holiday must be onwards & upwards.

Do holidays make other people stressed or just me?

Love Mrs Brown xx

Overthinking, Women's Troubles

Over thinking is a trait of mine.  Apparently I am not alone in my thinking, with some research showing that the majority of people my age are over thinkers, yeah and the majority of the majority are women! Go figure.

This week has been plagued with women's troubles. The human body can do some strange things let me tell you!

As my anxiety levels increase my over thinking goes into hyper drive.  In a weird way I think over thinking will help reduce my anxiety but the truth is, it just adds to it!

The logic in me says if I think things through properly, looking at all eventuality I will make the right decision. However in life there are so many variables, and everything is not as simplistic as right and wrong.

I have an hour drive to work every day.  When my mind is racing, this hour is definitely enough time to build a mountain out of a mole hole.  I find myself replaying scenarios, or questioning people's motives or doubting my own judgements.  Which can only lead to feeling physically ill as I put my key in the door to the office.

I can't avoid this start to the day as I have to drive to work. So every work day I start the day emotionally drained and nauseous and that's all before 9am.  I kept asking myself, What can I do to stop this cycle and make work mornings that bit more bearable?

Then I remembered how to stop the thinking.

Well not literally, because I need some thought processes to drive the car, my new car has a lot of features but it's not quite get in and go yet, yet.  It's coming, I mean I don't even need to turn my lights or wipers any more, my car just 'knows'.  I digressed.

Distraction.

To get out of my head and not think about the day ahead, or what people would think or say, or what might or might not happen, not to linger on the massive to do list which was in no way realistic for the day ahead.

Driving, was no longer a distraction.  Scary to say but this journey no longer required enough thinking to drown out the tones of that faithful overthinking voice.

So I started on an audioboook. I had a quick search through the internet for a book every girl should read.  In fact I think I looked for a book every plus size girl should read but we won't split hairs.  I came across Good in Bed.  This was not available on iTunes so I downloaded Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner the follow up to Good in Bed.

It worked a treat! I am engrossed in the book.  I am enjoying the journey.  Looking forward to getting in the car instead of dreading the commute.  The book is just what I needed and I think I may even do a review when I'm finished. Check me, gathering up my posts, I am getting the hang of this blogging malarkey.

In fact I am now using it as a distraction any time I feel my mind start racing or when I hear stuff.  So I can thoroughly recommend distraction from your women's troubles by listening to someone else's troubles, without any need to help out or get involved.  Instead I can just truly listen to something else apart from my own worries!

Away I go to listen to my book! What are you reading/listening to?

How do you deal with over thinking?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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