All over the place

There have been some highs and some lows these past few weeks.  I've been a bit all over the place.

I had a great meeting with my new psychiatrist, his explanations just make soo much sense.  So after two brief appointments I felt over the moon when he suggested coming off 2 of my medications.

In my mind, I'm doing fine, let's get off the meds  - was just what I wanted to hear.

I've been feeling broody.  I've heard my biological clock ticking.  But I wouldn't risk getting pregnant on my meds, I would really like not to have to worry about what harm medications could do, and even better would like not to worry about my mood.  Anyways the quicker I'm off my meds, the quicker we can try for a baby.  That was my thinking.  So yes, I was ready to come off.

Off I skipped, chuffed with myself.  This guy had seen progress & he felt I was ready to stop popping a few pills each day.

5 days later .......

I'm a wreck, I'm shaking inside, my stomach is doing flips, my mind is racing, I haven't slept & my to do list at work seems like it's written on a never ending scroll.

What happened to the girl who was ready for this?  Where is the Mrs Brown that the psychiatrist was so pleased with?  The one whose symptoms had improved?

The answer, I have no idea.  But she has definitely gone.  Instead I am left with the Mrs Brown who is struggling, the one who is unsure of herself, questioning everything, including this bloody decision to come off my meds.

Did I come off to quickly? Maybe, anyways I can't afford to take steps back.  I can't afford to be off work.

So I am back on.  I'm taking the little pill that seems to be making a massive difference.

At least it gave me something to write about, eh?  It certainly wasn't another week of feeling nothing.  I had plenty of feelings, just not the strong, confident, fine ones I had hoped for.

Sorry for the rambleyness of this post but as the title says my mind is all over the place.

Love Mrs Brown xx

Highs and Lows

They say life is not about the destination but the journey.  Recovering from depression if you focus too much on feeling better you can miss how far you have come.  I wrote a post on this time last year, as it's good to keep track of your journey & not just the highs & lows. My hubby is very good at reminding me not to focus on the negative & the lows but instead to look at the bigger picture.  

Maybe I am just impatient but I want to be 'better'. I want to just be there already! The kid in the back of the car saying are we there yet? every few minutes is me! However the problem is, I have no idea where I am going.  There is no map or travel planner for life's journey.

How do I define better? How does my psychiatrist & GP define it & do we think the same.

Sometimes the road ahead is bright & simple

My main focus for the past few months has been to be getting back to work.  The plan for this included establishing routines, pacing myself with tasks & getting used to being with people more. I suppose I have done this.

I have returned to work on a part time basis.

I get up (most days, I am never going to be a morning person! My body just functions so much better at night time).

I get through my to do list at work & I am not taking stuff home.

I speak to people when I am there, that counts as being sociable right?

So am I better? Do I still have symptoms of depression is what my GP asks? Well that is the pressing question.

Everyone experiences highs and low, your mood is never constant as it changes throughout the day & day to day. When you've been diagnosed with depression though, I felt like suddenly these changes in mood that are normal for most people didn't apply to me.  For instance if I was laughing or having a normal conversation my family would say "oh your much better now" & rightly, I was no longer crying or sitting in silence but I still felt in slow motion or like I was working damn hard at being 'normal'.  Am I holding myself back, I asked my key worker.  I don't want to be someone who is always playing the victim, oh woo is me.  It also works for when I'm just tired or just have no real chat & suddenly family are worrying - are you ok? Are you sure? You don't seem fine - I am allowed to have off days too!!

Sometimes the road ahead seem like an uphill struggle with barriers along the way!

I am travelling the road of recovery.  I have had some pit stops along the way,  I started in Deep Depression then dropped by Hotel Anxiety & stayed there a while, Low Self Esteem Inn always have a room on standby for me & I drop in regularly.  I appear to be climbing Voice Mountain at the moment, a new unexpected place that no one else seems to be overly concerned about but for me is terrifying.

Everyone's journey through life is different.  Mine is going through a bumpy patch but that just adds to the adventure, right?

Please feel free to share a little of your journey below

Love Mrs Brown xx

Now to Settle In

Now to settle in to our new house.

I think we are at that settling in phase now in the house.

We have had all our 'firsts'

Like our the first unlocking of the front door

Our first walk with the dog

We even had our first mouse (sadly Hector is no longer with us!),  then my first cold shower & I've already managed my first night on my own.

You get the picture we're past that stage, now just trying to settle in. I am desperately trying to find a new routine, get some normality back.  I find routine really helps me feel in control & on top of my mood.

Still feel a bit up in the air, with new furniture coming & rooms still not finished as a result.  I've unpacked, I've got things in the 'right' place, I've started decorating & making the place ours but what next?

Where do you start to build a new routine in a new house?
What it is that makes you feel settled, comfortable in your house?- any ideas will be gratefully received!

I looked & used checklists for moving so off to google I headed.  I've not only moved house, I've moved area.  So I have found a few ideas to get me settling in to a new town.

1.  Be a tourist - I am going to make a list of the things in our area you can get up to & get together with Mr Brown to plan some outings.  This is set out a plan for my days off (I like plans!) & will be a fun way to get to know the area.  I am going to start with at the local inn I noticed lots of leaflets for tourists that should be a good place to start!

2.  I'm going to get myself a local paper.  Why didn't I think of this?! Such an easy way to get to know the local goings on.  Ok I'm not sure what day it comes out or what it's called but I'm sure hubby will help by enquiring at the shop.

3. Check out the village hall - I think I know where this, I also think they have a Scottish Women's Rural Institute (the Rural) - a group of women who get together for classes & demonstrations in cooking, crafts, homemaking & keeping up Scottish traditions.  My gran & older aunts have been members in their communities.  I'll see if I can pluck up the courage to go!

That should be enough to keep me going & get me settled in.

Wish me luck.

Love Mrs Brown xx

Overloaded

Moving day has been & gone but it has left a lasting lesson.

Our family helped us do the move ourselves.  We packed up all our belonging into a van.

Yes I did day - A van.

It didn't look much but the many trips up & down 3 flights of stairs at the flat confirmed we had a lot of stuff.

As I said in my moving post, we did clear out.  We had several trips to the recycling centre to get rid of "stuff".

Not enough stuff.

On our trip to the new house, my father in law got pulled over by the police.  The van ended up getting weighed & it was indeed overloaded.  It was heavier than it should have been.

Anyways bit of phone calls & extra vans later we were back on our way & unloading.

The van didn't look overloaded.  It was full, but not bulging or straining.  However it was most definitely too much stuff.

I have thought about this (probably too deeply!) & I feel the van is quite like our life.  Full of stuff & we are happy to be full & carry the load, but sometimes it just isn't safe.  Sometimes we need to share the load.  To make it manageable.

There is nothing wrong with lightening the load, sharing or asking for help.  Sometimes you need an extra van!

So we are in - probably with more stuff than we need but we made it, with a lot of help from our family!

Do you let yourself get overloaded?

Love Mrs Brown xx

Medication

I recently started another medication. I now take 4 tablets every day. 

The funny thing about me & my medication is that when I need it I don't want to take it! Now my mood is going through a bright patch I find myself doing the silly thing of questioning the need to keep taking the meds.  So I write this as a reminder of my antidepressant experience.

When my mood was particularly low I struggled with the diagnosis of depression and what mental health meant to me.  I didn't want to be on antidepressants cos that would mean admitting I was depressed.

Deciding to take the medication, was the right treatment for me.  I know it may not be for everyone.  I discussed it with my GP, my psychiatrist, my hubby & good old wikipedia. Wow, I made that sound easy.

It wasn't.

Know that, starting medication wasn't easy for me.

Antidepressants take some time to be effective.  My doctors said you have to give it at least 4-6 weeks to notice any effect.  AND what they failed to mention is that they may not work at all for you.  

There are lots of different types of antidepressant meds that can be prescribed, & they work in different ways.  So if one class of drug doesn't work they can try another.  But this all takes time.  Time when you are at a very low point.  When you desperately want the medication/something/anything to work.

I tried 3 different medications before I found one that started to help. So after all these months searching for some pharmacological help, what did I do? I stopped taking the meds.  I don't need them any more, I'm feeling better.  My mental health is looking up.

Then .......

Crash. I dip again.  I end up with anxiety plus back to struggling.  Struggling to get dressed, struggling to get myself in a shower, struggling do anything that involves any effort.

I don't tell anyone cos I feel ashamed that I am not following the treatment.  How stupid can I be?  I go back on them but can't get back to where we were! In the end it is a combination of antidepressants that help lift my mood.  Did I take myself off them again when I was feeling better? Yip! 

Know that when you have mental health issues - you will do things you know aren't logical but you will do them anyway.  Cos at the time the mental illness doesn't care about logic, it wants to keep you in that place, the illness doesn't want any help.  But the part of you that pushes past this, will win.  At some point.

Side effects - I think I've been lucky.  Mine tend to make me drowsy, especially when I start a new regime.  I take most of mine at night so I use this side effect to my advantage to try get a full nights sleep - sleep is also a very important part of my treatment!  I have put on weight but I am unsure if this was the medication or just my poor eating habits, which I now know are one of my signs that my mental health is dipping.

I learn more about me & my depression as we go along.  The more I learn, the more prepared & in control I feel.  This helps with my anxiety.  I have agreed with my psychiatrist that I will continue my medication for at least 6 months after I feel well.  This may sound like ages, but it's nothing if it means I don't dip on the mood roller coaster.  

I like that we have a plan.  It makes it easier to take the medicine.

Keep taking the medication.  Plan any changes with your doctor.

Have you used antidepressants?  Any side effects? 

Love Mrs Brown xx

What a year! Part 2

I started my round of What of a year! Part 1 but only got half way through before I felt we needed a comfort break!
To recap we are half way through 2012, my mood has lifted, I am back at work, I've started a blog & I've been married a whole year, okay?

July

I went looking for a car & ended up buying one! That was one expensive window shopping trip.  Of course New Car Equals Road Trip.

New car smell & banging tunes - great combo!

August

I am settling in well at work, getting used to the office & patients again when I get a bout of toothache.  This is the kinda pain that stops you in your tracks.  I bite the bullet & decide I have to see a dentist, not an easy decision when you have Dentophobia.  I manage to pluck up the courage & they some how talk me into coming back - cue my Reoccurring Dental Nightmare! I have to say though I am very proud of myself for finally facing my fear & getting my oral health back on track.  I have a few more sessions before I am classed as 'dentally fit' (yes, apparently that is a term in the industry) but I am well on my way to a celebrity worth smile.

September

My birthday month.  Another year older. My work colleagues really pushed out the boat & made me Cola Cupcakes!! I have a bit of a diet coke addiction, something I am hoping may be part of my new years resolutions, if I make any!

They were delicious!!

October

Ahhh my first holiday of the year & I crank up my knitting again.  

My first Brown family holiday! My first time travelling as Mrs Brown! Just before we go on holiday we accept an offer on the flat - We are Under Offer!! & we are now on the move.

November
My second holiday of the year! Another first, this time my first time flying business class.  I think it suits me!!  Also my first time in Turkey & my first time on going out with Mr Brown for business with his colleagues.  A lovely break but I did bring along a bit of anxiety on holiday.

Then my proudest achievement of 2012 - my Glass & Fire Walk for Charity.  Enough said! Just goes to show I can do anything I put my mind too!

We are getting there I promise!!

December

A milestone - I have been back to work following long term sickness with depression & anxiety for 6 months.  I am proud of myself & how I am Dealing with my depression.

I wrote a guest blog post for Black Dog Tribe - Loving Someone with Depression.

We have a new house & move in 14 days!!

And some how I managed to squeeze in another holiday before Christmas in Prague!

So as I wave a fond farewell to 2012 - I say "What a Year!"

Bring on 2013!

What did you do in 2012? What does 2013 hold for you?

Love Mrs Brown xx

Dealing with depression

At present we are very much dealing with my depression.  I say 'we' because it's not just me that has to learn to cope.

Today I came across a story that seemed similar to my own.  The absolute denial that I had depression.  When I first started to struggle with my mood I could not admit to anyone, not even myself that I may be depressed.  You can not start to deal with your depression if you are spending all your time trying to prove that you are not! When I was referred to the mental health team I spent many a session trying to convince them & myself that it must be something else.  Something we were missing.

It took me a long time to get the place I am at now.

I still have bad days.  Everyone has bad days, but I need medication to help me through mine.

I need to go to bed at the right time, make sure I am eating a balanced diet, get enough fresh air, enough exercise & talk about my feelings just in order to get through the week in one piece.

I wasn't sure I was strong enough when I started my blog.  Confident enough to put myself out there.  Strong enough to talk about my struggles.

This week I proved  - I am.

I wrote about my achievements here & I sent a post to Black Dog Tribe (a campaign run by SANE - a mental health charity) to be shared with others.

The 'Black Dog' is a metaphor for depression.  By calling it 'the black dog' it definitely allows me to speak more openly & honestly about feelings of depression, despair, suicide, loneliness & asking for help.  Exactly what the campaign is all about.

My other black dog, Bailey, is my rock but I couldn't get through this without my husband. So the post I put forward was about him also dealing with depression, my depression.  I am very proud of his words and him.

Today I also feel proud of me.  Proud that I am indeed dealing with my depression & I hope my words here can be some hope for anyone else trying to tame the black dog.

Start dealing with depression I know you can.

Love Mrs Brown xx

I did it!

I did it!

I was walked across broken glass then just for fun did a fire walk!

There was a bit more prep to it than that, but yes on a Friday night in November I took my socks & shoes off and walked across broken glass & then hot coals.  

The Glass Walk

The glass walk was all about being relaxed and overcoming your fears. Razor sharp broken glass might I add, that makes relaxing a bit more difficult.

Did I enjoy it?

Yes I think I did! For me being relaxed is something I am trying to work on so perfect chance to use some skills! I did struggle a bit but acceptable I think under the circumstances.

Try to picture a line of broken glass, the sounds of crunching glass beneath the instructors feet, a crowd of people ooohing & ahhhing, & then me realising I have my jumper on the wrong way & you get an idea of the feelings that were bubbling inside me as I took my place.

But I did it! I even have a cut to prove it.

For someone who at this time last year could hardly leave her bedroom you would think a walk bare foot across broken glass in front of a crowd would be enough excitement for one Friday night but nope I then was set to walk over hot coals.

The Fire Walk

Now this is where the fun really started. The instructor guy was amazing.  He took me from being an introverted, hide at the back, don't say a word, keep your head down kind of girl to 

Standing tall, chest out - he told us too ;-), feeling amazing, pumped, ready to go, look me in the eye, on a mission kinda girl!

I can't emphasise the change in me.  I literally went from looking at the floor to scrape me off the ceiling.  At this point we headed to the fire.

My mum & hubby were there to watch & also couldn't believe the difference in me.

The queue formed & as each person ran across the fire pit instead of feeling fear, anxiety, dread I was feeling excited & desperate for my turn!!

I got to the front & they needed to rake up the fire get it all hot again, Thanks!

Instructor: What's your name?

Me: CLLLLLAAAAARRRRREEEEE!!!!!! 

Instructor: Are you ready for this?

Me: YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!WOOOOOOO

At that point I skipped across the fire.  Shouting "Yeaaahhhhh" as I went (very American, I know). The crowd cheered, I air punched it was amazing.

Did you enjoy it?

Hell, yeah!! I would recommend it to everyone! It is an amazing feeling.  No fear, knowing I can do it.  

This was a charity event for Yorkhill Children's Foundation in Glasgow.  It is a kids hospital that does soo much great work in Scotland, & as a child I did have to use their services so it was lovely to be able to give back.

But I would say I got loads out of the night too!  It was certainly a challenge.  I had to ask people for sponsorship.  I had to go into the training for the event on my own, that was a big thing for me.  Then had to be in front of a crowd of people & all this before I even take my shoes & socks off!!

But as this you may have guessed this post is about reminding myself that - I DID IT!

I can do what ever I put my mind to.  I can overcome my fears.  I can do things I never thought were possible.  I can surprise people, including myself.

Oh yeah & if you get a chance to do it - you should! It is awesome & I am glad I will have these memories. My plan is to pull the feelings & thoughts from that night any time I need it during the rest of my recovery!!

Caution feet pictures coming up!!

I leave you with some wise words & a link to my donating site!! (See my confidence is still sky high!)

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” - Walt Disney

“The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking.” - Robert Schuller

Love Mrs Brown  xx

The dog that saved my life

I have an amazing black labrador.  Meet Bailey Brown.

My beautiful boy

He was 2 years old in March.  He is a strong boy though.  He is strong enough to carry me, when I can not longer carry myself.

I never had a dog when I was growing up.  I really wanted one, but my mum is scared so just wasn't going to happen.

When I moved in with my husband it took him a lot of adjusting (that's one word for it, others may have seen it as arguments) to my messy habits, he could never have believed we would be dog people.  He was a clean freak, hadn't used the oven - to keep it clean till I moved in!  We took our shoes off before entering the flat, our beige carpets were hoovered every day, basically there was no way we had been thinking about getting a dog.

Too much hassle.

But then again we didn't think I would be crying everyday, hiding under the covers, off work for nearly a year and that my every thought would be about how I could end it all without Mr Brown having to find me.

We were getting married.  We were saving for our dream day.  We also had one of those ceramic pots that said "Wedding Fund" in which we faithfully deposited any £1 or £2 coins we had.  It sat high on the shelving unit in out living room as a reminder to save, save, save.

I was in counselling, which wasn't helping.  I was changing meds again, no lift in symptoms despite taking them faithfully.  I was on a waiting list to see the mental health team and psychiatrist and was beginning to feel even more hopeless.  When I read online in many pages that a dog could help with depression.  With a naivety of the responsibility a dog would be, I proposed this as a flippant suggestion to Mr Brown.

We joked about for a few days then we signed up to see a puppy would cost, ever the budget man Mr Brown thought it was doable.  So my pester power kicked in! Can I get one? Can we? Please, please, please.  It was the most enthusiasm he had seen in me for months.  We had to get one if this was how it could make me feel.

In the pet shop getting food for our hamster (RIP Ellie, Mr Brown's idea, this one didn't work out as well, she was very much a solitary animal, didn't really like us!)  he saw an advert for black labrador puppies that were ready NOW!  Mr Brown is impulsive, not like me at all.  If he decides to do something it gets done straight away, me on the other hand can sit on a decision for years.

Anyway long story short we came home, got a hammer out and smashed that ceramic pot into small pieces.  The next day we purchased a crate, blankets, toys and a black labrador.

The responsibility was just what I needed.  I couldn't quite manage to look after myself but this helpless little puppy needed me.  A reason to live all wrapped up in black bundle of fluff and sharp little teeth!  I allowed my dog to see a side of me that I just couldn't let my amazingly supportive husband see.

He made me sleep when he did, get up, go to puppy classes and generally use my brain a bit more.  He made me smile and loved me unconditionally, even on my darkest day.  And still does.

He grown into a fine man.  So well behaved, even my mum who's scared of dogs loves him! Every day he reminds me that I am loved.

He's very special to me and deserves this proper introduction.  Such a nice post to write.

Love Mrs Brown xx

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Every where you go

That's what you call a tree!

I don't usually get 'into' the Christmas spirit.  The past few years my mood hasn't lifted enough to allow much festive fun.  In fact, the "C" word brought more issues - panic of putting on a brave face, not letting it slip that I had been off work for months, trying to get gifts when you can hardly leave your bed, trying not to cry at every little thing, my heart racing at thoughts of how many terrible ways my hubby could die due to bad weather - anyways you get the picture.

This year is different.  For our anniversary in June my hubby bought tickets for the Christmas markets in Prague.  A lovely city break just me & Mr Brown, something to look forward to.  My mood is holding up with only a few dark patches these last few weeks, so I was in a great place for enjoying this gift.

Scotland is cold so the weather wasn't going to be an issue. I packed up my thickest cardies, grabbed some new gloves, a cute knitted hair band & a poncho!  A new look & a new city to explore.

Prague is a beautiful city, the buildings are very pretty & the people were very polite.

It was so easy to walk to all the sights from our hotel so my feet took a pounding but I loved it.

Back to work tomorrow but for the first time in years I am feeling the Christmas cheer.  Enjoy some lovely pictures of Prague & Christmas, just wished you had smell a blog because the market was filled with the scent of gingerbread, pretzels, cakes & the famous Prague Ham.

Hubby at Heatrow

Gorgeous Xmas window displays

We went on a romantic horse & carriage tour

The famous Prague Ham

Mr B's great picture of the Old Town Square

An early Xmas pressie - traditional Czech Garnet

Do you always enjoy Christmas? Ever been to the Christmas markets?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Comfort in Food

A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body.

Benjamin Franklin

The nights are dark and there is a chill in the air the perfect time for a big bowl of piping hot tattie soup!

Comfort food is warming, fills your belly & harks back to good times. I'm thinking of a warm hug from the inside out, you know the feeling.

Your comfort food may be a mug of hot chocolate, a hearty soup, a traditional pasta bake or any food that you associate with feeling good with so a treat such as ice cream or cakes.

Food can affect your mood, and your mood can affect your food choices.

As a dietitian my work life is all about food. I talk about it all day! I have started to notice a pattern and association between my food and my mood.

When my mood starts to dip, my food choices start to slip.  I start choosing quick and easy meals.  My prep of meals gets less and less till I eventually end up eating out of packets.  Now this is not a post on healthy eating but more an observation that food plays a role in my depression.

When your spending most of your time on the sofa and haven't managed to coax yourself into the shower, there is no way your going to have the energy or inclination to cook a healthy meal from scratch. My meal of choice on these days (if I eat at all!) is a packet of crisps. Is this the kind of food that is going to fuel my brain and help with my serotonin levels? Not likely, however this is what I turn to.

Part of the choice comes from the lack of energy and motivation to complete tasks but there is also a part of me that chooses foods that give me comfort.  The downside to the comfort is the associated guilt feelings that I 'should' be choosing foods that will help provide the energy and lift I so desperately need.

I have struggled with my weight most of my adult life. I desperately want to be thinner and go through periods where I concentrate on weight reduction. I have the nutritional knowledge and if you had a look around our tiny flat you would think I was an athlete the amount of exercise equipment I have! Yet I still struggle.

At present I am going through my "I want to lose weight phase" So I have my fitness pal (follow me on   MrsBrownThought) and I am logging my calories in and out.

My mood has been up and down the past few weeks but I am trying to keep my eating on track and my hubby is home and he never lets me have nothing to eat.  He enjoys cooking and because he can be away alot with work he enjoys being able to try out new recipes when he is home.

He felt we had to celebrate the conclusion of the flat sale (yeah!!) and he chose to mark such an occasion by making a banoffee pie.

Just call Mr Brown - Browngella!

We use foods in this house to celebrate, to commiserate and to treat ourselves. Food is my work and it is a big part of our social life - eating out, cooking, treats, and rewards.

When my mood is low, I find myself looking for comfort in food.  Eating to feel better.  Eating to feed my brain more than my belly.  Eating to dampen the feelings of despair.  Eating to fill my emptiness.

Usually I would have all the banoffee pie and then beat myself up about it for days afterwards, which would send my mood on a downwards spiral.

This week I had a sizeable piece that I enjoyed immensely! Thank you Mr Brown. I logged it in my fitness pal food diary and I did a quick tabata workout to balance out my calories!

Today I right a blog post feeling the real comfort in food.  I enjoyed the treat my hubby had lovingly prepared and I felt the joy of being in control of my mood and my choices.  I think I may be turning a corner folks!

What's your comfort food? How does food affect your mood?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Loving someone with depression

I mention Mr Brown in most of my posts, mainly because he helps me through everything.  He sometimes stop by to read my thoughts & as I was writing on holiday he asked if he could do a piece for my blog.

So without further babbling, I hand you over to Mr Brown, for my first ever guest post.

Being in sales is tough. I work in a large territory that spans many countries, and every day I need to get up and get going. It's never been a problem to me, to motivate myself. I am motivated by doing my best, and it's easy to keep going when I am working hard.

I remember 15 years ago when my mum went to the doctors with a painful lump on the back of her hand. He told her it was nothing to worry about. Quickly this lump spread and her fingers and toes begin to swell. She had severe arthritis. 

 Walking and moving became painful for her. It used to break my heart hearing her sob in the night, from the constant pain. Now it is better controlled, but she still has painful bouts of arthritis and is managed by a team of experts. She needs a hip replacement and this will hopefully improve her again, but the years of pain are etched on her face now.

In December 2009 I had just started my dream job. I was sitting in a hotel in Switzerland speaking to Mrs. Brown. She didn't sound quite right and I pestered her to tell me what was wrong. She had been diagnosed with depression. I hadn't noticed the 'lump on the back of her hand', the low mood and lack of motivation. I just thought she was lazy. That day began the decent for both of us. For nearly a year I felt like I was that helpless 15 year old boy, listening to his mothers sobs, desperately wanting my wife-to-be to begin to pull her self out of whatever was causing her to be 'not herself'. It was a year before I really began to understand. I just couldn't get how anyone could not be motivated. Things did get better. Then after a few months, it got much worse again. 

It isn't easy  caring for a person with depression. There is no help in doing things in the house, no enthusiasm for days out, no intimacy, no laughter and no release from the pressure. But now I see the old Mrs. Brown back from time to time, for longer and longer. There is still some ups and downs but they are less severe and don't last as long. We both have to accept that this, like arthritis, will persist for years, but the better controlled, the less severe the relapses will be. But it isn't arthritis. You can't see the symptoms and we both have to realise when things are not right and act accordingly. Prevention is better than relapse.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Our relationship is strong because I reckon, if we can survive the lows of the last two years, we can survive anything. I love Mrs. Brown, and together we will succeed.

Depression hasn't  pushed us apart, but made us grow together. And our relationship is stronger for it.

His kind words are great for me to hear but I also hope they may help someone else in a similar relationship.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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