Highs and Lows

They say life is not about the destination but the journey.  Recovering from depression if you focus too much on feeling better you can miss how far you have come.  I wrote a post on this time last year, as it's good to keep track of your journey & not just the highs & lows. My hubby is very good at reminding me not to focus on the negative & the lows but instead to look at the bigger picture.  

Maybe I am just impatient but I want to be 'better'. I want to just be there already! The kid in the back of the car saying are we there yet? every few minutes is me! However the problem is, I have no idea where I am going.  There is no map or travel planner for life's journey.

How do I define better? How does my psychiatrist & GP define it & do we think the same.

Sometimes the road ahead is bright & simple

My main focus for the past few months has been to be getting back to work.  The plan for this included establishing routines, pacing myself with tasks & getting used to being with people more. I suppose I have done this.

I have returned to work on a part time basis.

I get up (most days, I am never going to be a morning person! My body just functions so much better at night time).

I get through my to do list at work & I am not taking stuff home.

I speak to people when I am there, that counts as being sociable right?

So am I better? Do I still have symptoms of depression is what my GP asks? Well that is the pressing question.

Everyone experiences highs and low, your mood is never constant as it changes throughout the day & day to day. When you've been diagnosed with depression though, I felt like suddenly these changes in mood that are normal for most people didn't apply to me.  For instance if I was laughing or having a normal conversation my family would say "oh your much better now" & rightly, I was no longer crying or sitting in silence but I still felt in slow motion or like I was working damn hard at being 'normal'.  Am I holding myself back, I asked my key worker.  I don't want to be someone who is always playing the victim, oh woo is me.  It also works for when I'm just tired or just have no real chat & suddenly family are worrying - are you ok? Are you sure? You don't seem fine - I am allowed to have off days too!!

Sometimes the road ahead seem like an uphill struggle with barriers along the way!

I am travelling the road of recovery.  I have had some pit stops along the way,  I started in Deep Depression then dropped by Hotel Anxiety & stayed there a while, Low Self Esteem Inn always have a room on standby for me & I drop in regularly.  I appear to be climbing Voice Mountain at the moment, a new unexpected place that no one else seems to be overly concerned about but for me is terrifying.

Everyone's journey through life is different.  Mine is going through a bumpy patch but that just adds to the adventure, right?

Please feel free to share a little of your journey below

Love Mrs Brown xx

Medication

I recently started another medication. I now take 4 tablets every day. 

The funny thing about me & my medication is that when I need it I don't want to take it! Now my mood is going through a bright patch I find myself doing the silly thing of questioning the need to keep taking the meds.  So I write this as a reminder of my antidepressant experience.

When my mood was particularly low I struggled with the diagnosis of depression and what mental health meant to me.  I didn't want to be on antidepressants cos that would mean admitting I was depressed.

Deciding to take the medication, was the right treatment for me.  I know it may not be for everyone.  I discussed it with my GP, my psychiatrist, my hubby & good old wikipedia. Wow, I made that sound easy.

It wasn't.

Know that, starting medication wasn't easy for me.

Antidepressants take some time to be effective.  My doctors said you have to give it at least 4-6 weeks to notice any effect.  AND what they failed to mention is that they may not work at all for you.  

There are lots of different types of antidepressant meds that can be prescribed, & they work in different ways.  So if one class of drug doesn't work they can try another.  But this all takes time.  Time when you are at a very low point.  When you desperately want the medication/something/anything to work.

I tried 3 different medications before I found one that started to help. So after all these months searching for some pharmacological help, what did I do? I stopped taking the meds.  I don't need them any more, I'm feeling better.  My mental health is looking up.

Then .......

Crash. I dip again.  I end up with anxiety plus back to struggling.  Struggling to get dressed, struggling to get myself in a shower, struggling do anything that involves any effort.

I don't tell anyone cos I feel ashamed that I am not following the treatment.  How stupid can I be?  I go back on them but can't get back to where we were! In the end it is a combination of antidepressants that help lift my mood.  Did I take myself off them again when I was feeling better? Yip! 

Know that when you have mental health issues - you will do things you know aren't logical but you will do them anyway.  Cos at the time the mental illness doesn't care about logic, it wants to keep you in that place, the illness doesn't want any help.  But the part of you that pushes past this, will win.  At some point.

Side effects - I think I've been lucky.  Mine tend to make me drowsy, especially when I start a new regime.  I take most of mine at night so I use this side effect to my advantage to try get a full nights sleep - sleep is also a very important part of my treatment!  I have put on weight but I am unsure if this was the medication or just my poor eating habits, which I now know are one of my signs that my mental health is dipping.

I learn more about me & my depression as we go along.  The more I learn, the more prepared & in control I feel.  This helps with my anxiety.  I have agreed with my psychiatrist that I will continue my medication for at least 6 months after I feel well.  This may sound like ages, but it's nothing if it means I don't dip on the mood roller coaster.  

I like that we have a plan.  It makes it easier to take the medicine.

Keep taking the medication.  Plan any changes with your doctor.

Have you used antidepressants?  Any side effects? 

Love Mrs Brown xx

Dealing with depression

At present we are very much dealing with my depression.  I say 'we' because it's not just me that has to learn to cope.

Today I came across a story that seemed similar to my own.  The absolute denial that I had depression.  When I first started to struggle with my mood I could not admit to anyone, not even myself that I may be depressed.  You can not start to deal with your depression if you are spending all your time trying to prove that you are not! When I was referred to the mental health team I spent many a session trying to convince them & myself that it must be something else.  Something we were missing.

It took me a long time to get the place I am at now.

I still have bad days.  Everyone has bad days, but I need medication to help me through mine.

I need to go to bed at the right time, make sure I am eating a balanced diet, get enough fresh air, enough exercise & talk about my feelings just in order to get through the week in one piece.

I wasn't sure I was strong enough when I started my blog.  Confident enough to put myself out there.  Strong enough to talk about my struggles.

This week I proved  - I am.

I wrote about my achievements here & I sent a post to Black Dog Tribe (a campaign run by SANE - a mental health charity) to be shared with others.

The 'Black Dog' is a metaphor for depression.  By calling it 'the black dog' it definitely allows me to speak more openly & honestly about feelings of depression, despair, suicide, loneliness & asking for help.  Exactly what the campaign is all about.

My other black dog, Bailey, is my rock but I couldn't get through this without my husband. So the post I put forward was about him also dealing with depression, my depression.  I am very proud of his words and him.

Today I also feel proud of me.  Proud that I am indeed dealing with my depression & I hope my words here can be some hope for anyone else trying to tame the black dog.

Start dealing with depression I know you can.

Love Mrs Brown xx