All over the place

There have been some highs and some lows these past few weeks.  I've been a bit all over the place.

I had a great meeting with my new psychiatrist, his explanations just make soo much sense.  So after two brief appointments I felt over the moon when he suggested coming off 2 of my medications.

In my mind, I'm doing fine, let's get off the meds  - was just what I wanted to hear.

I've been feeling broody.  I've heard my biological clock ticking.  But I wouldn't risk getting pregnant on my meds, I would really like not to have to worry about what harm medications could do, and even better would like not to worry about my mood.  Anyways the quicker I'm off my meds, the quicker we can try for a baby.  That was my thinking.  So yes, I was ready to come off.

Off I skipped, chuffed with myself.  This guy had seen progress & he felt I was ready to stop popping a few pills each day.

5 days later .......

I'm a wreck, I'm shaking inside, my stomach is doing flips, my mind is racing, I haven't slept & my to do list at work seems like it's written on a never ending scroll.

What happened to the girl who was ready for this?  Where is the Mrs Brown that the psychiatrist was so pleased with?  The one whose symptoms had improved?

The answer, I have no idea.  But she has definitely gone.  Instead I am left with the Mrs Brown who is struggling, the one who is unsure of herself, questioning everything, including this bloody decision to come off my meds.

Did I come off to quickly? Maybe, anyways I can't afford to take steps back.  I can't afford to be off work.

So I am back on.  I'm taking the little pill that seems to be making a massive difference.

At least it gave me something to write about, eh?  It certainly wasn't another week of feeling nothing.  I had plenty of feelings, just not the strong, confident, fine ones I had hoped for.

Sorry for the rambleyness of this post but as the title says my mind is all over the place.

Love Mrs Brown xx

Highs and Lows

They say life is not about the destination but the journey.  Recovering from depression if you focus too much on feeling better you can miss how far you have come.  I wrote a post on this time last year, as it's good to keep track of your journey & not just the highs & lows. My hubby is very good at reminding me not to focus on the negative & the lows but instead to look at the bigger picture.  

Maybe I am just impatient but I want to be 'better'. I want to just be there already! The kid in the back of the car saying are we there yet? every few minutes is me! However the problem is, I have no idea where I am going.  There is no map or travel planner for life's journey.

How do I define better? How does my psychiatrist & GP define it & do we think the same.

Sometimes the road ahead is bright & simple

My main focus for the past few months has been to be getting back to work.  The plan for this included establishing routines, pacing myself with tasks & getting used to being with people more. I suppose I have done this.

I have returned to work on a part time basis.

I get up (most days, I am never going to be a morning person! My body just functions so much better at night time).

I get through my to do list at work & I am not taking stuff home.

I speak to people when I am there, that counts as being sociable right?

So am I better? Do I still have symptoms of depression is what my GP asks? Well that is the pressing question.

Everyone experiences highs and low, your mood is never constant as it changes throughout the day & day to day. When you've been diagnosed with depression though, I felt like suddenly these changes in mood that are normal for most people didn't apply to me.  For instance if I was laughing or having a normal conversation my family would say "oh your much better now" & rightly, I was no longer crying or sitting in silence but I still felt in slow motion or like I was working damn hard at being 'normal'.  Am I holding myself back, I asked my key worker.  I don't want to be someone who is always playing the victim, oh woo is me.  It also works for when I'm just tired or just have no real chat & suddenly family are worrying - are you ok? Are you sure? You don't seem fine - I am allowed to have off days too!!

Sometimes the road ahead seem like an uphill struggle with barriers along the way!

I am travelling the road of recovery.  I have had some pit stops along the way,  I started in Deep Depression then dropped by Hotel Anxiety & stayed there a while, Low Self Esteem Inn always have a room on standby for me & I drop in regularly.  I appear to be climbing Voice Mountain at the moment, a new unexpected place that no one else seems to be overly concerned about but for me is terrifying.

Everyone's journey through life is different.  Mine is going through a bumpy patch but that just adds to the adventure, right?

Please feel free to share a little of your journey below

Love Mrs Brown xx

Medication

I recently started another medication. I now take 4 tablets every day. 

The funny thing about me & my medication is that when I need it I don't want to take it! Now my mood is going through a bright patch I find myself doing the silly thing of questioning the need to keep taking the meds.  So I write this as a reminder of my antidepressant experience.

When my mood was particularly low I struggled with the diagnosis of depression and what mental health meant to me.  I didn't want to be on antidepressants cos that would mean admitting I was depressed.

Deciding to take the medication, was the right treatment for me.  I know it may not be for everyone.  I discussed it with my GP, my psychiatrist, my hubby & good old wikipedia. Wow, I made that sound easy.

It wasn't.

Know that, starting medication wasn't easy for me.

Antidepressants take some time to be effective.  My doctors said you have to give it at least 4-6 weeks to notice any effect.  AND what they failed to mention is that they may not work at all for you.  

There are lots of different types of antidepressant meds that can be prescribed, & they work in different ways.  So if one class of drug doesn't work they can try another.  But this all takes time.  Time when you are at a very low point.  When you desperately want the medication/something/anything to work.

I tried 3 different medications before I found one that started to help. So after all these months searching for some pharmacological help, what did I do? I stopped taking the meds.  I don't need them any more, I'm feeling better.  My mental health is looking up.

Then .......

Crash. I dip again.  I end up with anxiety plus back to struggling.  Struggling to get dressed, struggling to get myself in a shower, struggling do anything that involves any effort.

I don't tell anyone cos I feel ashamed that I am not following the treatment.  How stupid can I be?  I go back on them but can't get back to where we were! In the end it is a combination of antidepressants that help lift my mood.  Did I take myself off them again when I was feeling better? Yip! 

Know that when you have mental health issues - you will do things you know aren't logical but you will do them anyway.  Cos at the time the mental illness doesn't care about logic, it wants to keep you in that place, the illness doesn't want any help.  But the part of you that pushes past this, will win.  At some point.

Side effects - I think I've been lucky.  Mine tend to make me drowsy, especially when I start a new regime.  I take most of mine at night so I use this side effect to my advantage to try get a full nights sleep - sleep is also a very important part of my treatment!  I have put on weight but I am unsure if this was the medication or just my poor eating habits, which I now know are one of my signs that my mental health is dipping.

I learn more about me & my depression as we go along.  The more I learn, the more prepared & in control I feel.  This helps with my anxiety.  I have agreed with my psychiatrist that I will continue my medication for at least 6 months after I feel well.  This may sound like ages, but it's nothing if it means I don't dip on the mood roller coaster.  

I like that we have a plan.  It makes it easier to take the medicine.

Keep taking the medication.  Plan any changes with your doctor.

Have you used antidepressants?  Any side effects? 

Love Mrs Brown xx

What a year! Part 2

I started my round of What of a year! Part 1 but only got half way through before I felt we needed a comfort break!
To recap we are half way through 2012, my mood has lifted, I am back at work, I've started a blog & I've been married a whole year, okay?

July

I went looking for a car & ended up buying one! That was one expensive window shopping trip.  Of course New Car Equals Road Trip.

New car smell & banging tunes - great combo!

August

I am settling in well at work, getting used to the office & patients again when I get a bout of toothache.  This is the kinda pain that stops you in your tracks.  I bite the bullet & decide I have to see a dentist, not an easy decision when you have Dentophobia.  I manage to pluck up the courage & they some how talk me into coming back - cue my Reoccurring Dental Nightmare! I have to say though I am very proud of myself for finally facing my fear & getting my oral health back on track.  I have a few more sessions before I am classed as 'dentally fit' (yes, apparently that is a term in the industry) but I am well on my way to a celebrity worth smile.

September

My birthday month.  Another year older. My work colleagues really pushed out the boat & made me Cola Cupcakes!! I have a bit of a diet coke addiction, something I am hoping may be part of my new years resolutions, if I make any!

They were delicious!!

October

Ahhh my first holiday of the year & I crank up my knitting again.  

My first Brown family holiday! My first time travelling as Mrs Brown! Just before we go on holiday we accept an offer on the flat - We are Under Offer!! & we are now on the move.

November
My second holiday of the year! Another first, this time my first time flying business class.  I think it suits me!!  Also my first time in Turkey & my first time on going out with Mr Brown for business with his colleagues.  A lovely break but I did bring along a bit of anxiety on holiday.

Then my proudest achievement of 2012 - my Glass & Fire Walk for Charity.  Enough said! Just goes to show I can do anything I put my mind too!

We are getting there I promise!!

December

A milestone - I have been back to work following long term sickness with depression & anxiety for 6 months.  I am proud of myself & how I am Dealing with my depression.

I wrote a guest blog post for Black Dog Tribe - Loving Someone with Depression.

We have a new house & move in 14 days!!

And some how I managed to squeeze in another holiday before Christmas in Prague!

So as I wave a fond farewell to 2012 - I say "What a Year!"

Bring on 2013!

What did you do in 2012? What does 2013 hold for you?

Love Mrs Brown xx

Dealing with depression

At present we are very much dealing with my depression.  I say 'we' because it's not just me that has to learn to cope.

Today I came across a story that seemed similar to my own.  The absolute denial that I had depression.  When I first started to struggle with my mood I could not admit to anyone, not even myself that I may be depressed.  You can not start to deal with your depression if you are spending all your time trying to prove that you are not! When I was referred to the mental health team I spent many a session trying to convince them & myself that it must be something else.  Something we were missing.

It took me a long time to get the place I am at now.

I still have bad days.  Everyone has bad days, but I need medication to help me through mine.

I need to go to bed at the right time, make sure I am eating a balanced diet, get enough fresh air, enough exercise & talk about my feelings just in order to get through the week in one piece.

I wasn't sure I was strong enough when I started my blog.  Confident enough to put myself out there.  Strong enough to talk about my struggles.

This week I proved  - I am.

I wrote about my achievements here & I sent a post to Black Dog Tribe (a campaign run by SANE - a mental health charity) to be shared with others.

The 'Black Dog' is a metaphor for depression.  By calling it 'the black dog' it definitely allows me to speak more openly & honestly about feelings of depression, despair, suicide, loneliness & asking for help.  Exactly what the campaign is all about.

My other black dog, Bailey, is my rock but I couldn't get through this without my husband. So the post I put forward was about him also dealing with depression, my depression.  I am very proud of his words and him.

Today I also feel proud of me.  Proud that I am indeed dealing with my depression & I hope my words here can be some hope for anyone else trying to tame the black dog.

Start dealing with depression I know you can.

Love Mrs Brown xx

The dog that saved my life

I have an amazing black labrador.  Meet Bailey Brown.

My beautiful boy

He was 2 years old in March.  He is a strong boy though.  He is strong enough to carry me, when I can not longer carry myself.

I never had a dog when I was growing up.  I really wanted one, but my mum is scared so just wasn't going to happen.

When I moved in with my husband it took him a lot of adjusting (that's one word for it, others may have seen it as arguments) to my messy habits, he could never have believed we would be dog people.  He was a clean freak, hadn't used the oven - to keep it clean till I moved in!  We took our shoes off before entering the flat, our beige carpets were hoovered every day, basically there was no way we had been thinking about getting a dog.

Too much hassle.

But then again we didn't think I would be crying everyday, hiding under the covers, off work for nearly a year and that my every thought would be about how I could end it all without Mr Brown having to find me.

We were getting married.  We were saving for our dream day.  We also had one of those ceramic pots that said "Wedding Fund" in which we faithfully deposited any £1 or £2 coins we had.  It sat high on the shelving unit in out living room as a reminder to save, save, save.

I was in counselling, which wasn't helping.  I was changing meds again, no lift in symptoms despite taking them faithfully.  I was on a waiting list to see the mental health team and psychiatrist and was beginning to feel even more hopeless.  When I read online in many pages that a dog could help with depression.  With a naivety of the responsibility a dog would be, I proposed this as a flippant suggestion to Mr Brown.

We joked about for a few days then we signed up to see a puppy would cost, ever the budget man Mr Brown thought it was doable.  So my pester power kicked in! Can I get one? Can we? Please, please, please.  It was the most enthusiasm he had seen in me for months.  We had to get one if this was how it could make me feel.

In the pet shop getting food for our hamster (RIP Ellie, Mr Brown's idea, this one didn't work out as well, she was very much a solitary animal, didn't really like us!)  he saw an advert for black labrador puppies that were ready NOW!  Mr Brown is impulsive, not like me at all.  If he decides to do something it gets done straight away, me on the other hand can sit on a decision for years.

Anyway long story short we came home, got a hammer out and smashed that ceramic pot into small pieces.  The next day we purchased a crate, blankets, toys and a black labrador.

The responsibility was just what I needed.  I couldn't quite manage to look after myself but this helpless little puppy needed me.  A reason to live all wrapped up in black bundle of fluff and sharp little teeth!  I allowed my dog to see a side of me that I just couldn't let my amazingly supportive husband see.

He made me sleep when he did, get up, go to puppy classes and generally use my brain a bit more.  He made me smile and loved me unconditionally, even on my darkest day.  And still does.

He grown into a fine man.  So well behaved, even my mum who's scared of dogs loves him! Every day he reminds me that I am loved.

He's very special to me and deserves this proper introduction.  Such a nice post to write.

Love Mrs Brown xx

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Every where you go

That's what you call a tree!

I don't usually get 'into' the Christmas spirit.  The past few years my mood hasn't lifted enough to allow much festive fun.  In fact, the "C" word brought more issues - panic of putting on a brave face, not letting it slip that I had been off work for months, trying to get gifts when you can hardly leave your bed, trying not to cry at every little thing, my heart racing at thoughts of how many terrible ways my hubby could die due to bad weather - anyways you get the picture.

This year is different.  For our anniversary in June my hubby bought tickets for the Christmas markets in Prague.  A lovely city break just me & Mr Brown, something to look forward to.  My mood is holding up with only a few dark patches these last few weeks, so I was in a great place for enjoying this gift.

Scotland is cold so the weather wasn't going to be an issue. I packed up my thickest cardies, grabbed some new gloves, a cute knitted hair band & a poncho!  A new look & a new city to explore.

Prague is a beautiful city, the buildings are very pretty & the people were very polite.

It was so easy to walk to all the sights from our hotel so my feet took a pounding but I loved it.

Back to work tomorrow but for the first time in years I am feeling the Christmas cheer.  Enjoy some lovely pictures of Prague & Christmas, just wished you had smell a blog because the market was filled with the scent of gingerbread, pretzels, cakes & the famous Prague Ham.

Hubby at Heatrow

Gorgeous Xmas window displays

We went on a romantic horse & carriage tour

The famous Prague Ham

Mr B's great picture of the Old Town Square

An early Xmas pressie - traditional Czech Garnet

Do you always enjoy Christmas? Ever been to the Christmas markets?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Loving someone with depression

I mention Mr Brown in most of my posts, mainly because he helps me through everything.  He sometimes stop by to read my thoughts & as I was writing on holiday he asked if he could do a piece for my blog.

So without further babbling, I hand you over to Mr Brown, for my first ever guest post.

Being in sales is tough. I work in a large territory that spans many countries, and every day I need to get up and get going. It's never been a problem to me, to motivate myself. I am motivated by doing my best, and it's easy to keep going when I am working hard.

I remember 15 years ago when my mum went to the doctors with a painful lump on the back of her hand. He told her it was nothing to worry about. Quickly this lump spread and her fingers and toes begin to swell. She had severe arthritis. 

 Walking and moving became painful for her. It used to break my heart hearing her sob in the night, from the constant pain. Now it is better controlled, but she still has painful bouts of arthritis and is managed by a team of experts. She needs a hip replacement and this will hopefully improve her again, but the years of pain are etched on her face now.

In December 2009 I had just started my dream job. I was sitting in a hotel in Switzerland speaking to Mrs. Brown. She didn't sound quite right and I pestered her to tell me what was wrong. She had been diagnosed with depression. I hadn't noticed the 'lump on the back of her hand', the low mood and lack of motivation. I just thought she was lazy. That day began the decent for both of us. For nearly a year I felt like I was that helpless 15 year old boy, listening to his mothers sobs, desperately wanting my wife-to-be to begin to pull her self out of whatever was causing her to be 'not herself'. It was a year before I really began to understand. I just couldn't get how anyone could not be motivated. Things did get better. Then after a few months, it got much worse again. 

It isn't easy  caring for a person with depression. There is no help in doing things in the house, no enthusiasm for days out, no intimacy, no laughter and no release from the pressure. But now I see the old Mrs. Brown back from time to time, for longer and longer. There is still some ups and downs but they are less severe and don't last as long. We both have to accept that this, like arthritis, will persist for years, but the better controlled, the less severe the relapses will be. But it isn't arthritis. You can't see the symptoms and we both have to realise when things are not right and act accordingly. Prevention is better than relapse.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Our relationship is strong because I reckon, if we can survive the lows of the last two years, we can survive anything. I love Mrs. Brown, and together we will succeed.

Depression hasn't  pushed us apart, but made us grow together. And our relationship is stronger for it.

His kind words are great for me to hear but I also hope they may help someone else in a similar relationship.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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When your laughing

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."

Bill Cosby

Recently me & Mr Brown how found ourself in some bizarre situations. You know those times where you don't know if you will laugh or cry.

Our house hunting day was just a prime example. We are on a tight budget but short listed 8 viewings we thought had potential. We kinda knew we would have to compromise but we were not prepared for what was 'in' our budget!

There was the house with the samurai sword in the window & knife collection in a shall we say run down neighbourhood. This house also boasted a garden he liked to call the "field" with a shed that had power but the roof was blown off 6months ago & would not be getting replaced! There was the one with the 'man cave' in the loft but you had to climb up through a cupboard! It was the house with many animals & the smell that finally got us.

We were at the point where you either laugh or cry. Bearing in mind we had no other potentials, choosing to cry would have been a really easy choice! In fact normally this would be my default option, jump straight to the worst case scenario, Mrs Brown the pessimist.

Instead we laughed so hard I did cry! But tears of laughter.

We kept the mood light & chose to laugh all our troubles away. *I know I stole this from a song*

Again on holiday, we ended up in the craziest place. Centre of town with people who speak very little English in a restaurant by some waterfall, attached to a fish farm, shall we say it was rustic? The kinda place that has a hole as a toilet, you getting an image? Normally I would panic try be polite but insist we leave, instead we laughed. We laughed when I gagged on the local red carrot juice & we especially laughed when the electricity went out & we were sat in darkness!

So as I write a post, I am reminded we always have a choice in how we react to the situation. You may think things are out of control but really your just on autopilot, you can choose, I did choose and I will continue to choose laughter. After all they do say it's the best medicine.

Love Mrs Brown xx

"It is impossible for you to be angry and laugh at the same time. Anger and laughter are mutually exclusive and you have the power to choose either."

Wayne Dyer

Anxiety Holiday

Merhaba from Turkey!

I am currently sat by the pool in a gorgeous hotel in Antalya, Turkey.  Mr Brown is here for a congress with work & I have tagged along for my second holiday in the past 2 months!


Until recently I did not have an adult passport & it was to go on honeymoon that made me finally get one organised.  I hadn't been on holiday since I was 15 years old, nearly half my life ago!

Last year we went on honeymoon in September & we made it a trip of a life time packed full of places & lovely memories.  I have always seen other things as more important than a holiday such as paying off student debts, having a car, & general every day stuff!  However after the honeymoon I had caught the travelling bug & desperately wanted another holiday - somewhere, anywhere, there was a whole world out there I had been missing out on.  With my depression, going part time at work & moving house, holidays just weren't a priority so I gave up thinking about it.

Then up popped a trip to Italy.  My father in law would turn 60 in October & for his birthday he wanted to take the whole family to the villa in Italy they have been visiting for the past few years.  Wow a holiday & so generously paid for by my in laws.  Italy was wonderful & I will blog some more about it soon.

A few months into the year my hubby mentioned that he was going to Turkey & I may be able to tag along.  This fell through a few times with his work commitments then suddenly it was back on! Another holiday in November! This holiday is a whole different kettle of fish (never really understood that saying) instead of having loads of family around & very little time on my own, I would be on my own most of the day & with hubby & work colleagues in evenings.

I was optimistic, yeah I'll be fine, I'll just sit by the pool I said.  I'll please myself. Easier said than done for a girl with mental health issues. As isolating as depression can be, being forced to be on your own in a foreign place has been worrying.

Instead of the intended holiday from my anxiety I seem to have packed bag loads of worry & doubts in my case. I am shy, painfully when I am anxious so meeting Mr Brown's colleague was difficult as usuall hubby made me feel at ease & praised my efforts at small talk. Phew that's that done now I can relax right?

It seems like no.  In packing all this worry & doubt I had no space for any clothes that make me feel comfortable.  Self conscious at the best of times, faced with bare arms, legs & clothes I just avoid in the UK I am struggling.

So 3 days in I have finally made it out of the room & to the side of the pool. Go me!!

Not before changing several times & still feeling very self conscious I might add. Don't even get me started on how I feel nervous I feel at the restaurant having lunch for one!! So for the rest of the holiday must be onwards & upwards.

Do holidays make other people stressed or just me?

Love Mrs Brown xx

How to beat depression with greasy hair and a black labrador

Knitted by my own fair hands.  The hats that is not the dog.

Depression sucks.  I write this because my mood has lifted enough to let me.

I write this to acknowledge my feelings and to help keep moving forward.

I have been physically unwell with an infected socket following a tooth extraction.  Physical pain I can deal with, I manage to pick myself up and do what needs to be done.  Mental pain, I seem to struggle with.

I was always the 'coper' in our family.  The strong, dependable one.  I grew up fast because I needed to.

So when I'm not coping, it drags my mental health down.  I think what scared me, the most about the last few weeks was how easy it was to slide back down that slippery slope.

Within days of feeling ill, I was back to not sleeping, but not getting dressed, avoiding going out, and neglecting myself.  The fridge was bare and the shower bone dry.  How did I end up here again, AGAIN?

I've been to the classes, I've read the books, I've got the strategies to see me through right?  But I wasn't doing any of them.  They definitely won't work if I don't do them.

So I acknowledged my mood and I read over my sheets from mental health team and thought about planning the next few weeks to see me through the rough times.

It start with the strategy "just turn up" in the hope I would just turn up for my own life.

I couldn't muster up the energy to get showered, I just pulled on my hat (to cover my greasy hair), I zipped up my big winter jacket (to cover my messy clothes), laced up my walking boots and got in the car with my dog.  In fairness my dog is the only person who would have risked being seen with me in public!  I started with a walk in the park.  I avoided any human contact, I wasn't up to that but trees I could handle.

It was a start, and it was just what I needed.  I did it the next day until I managed to get myself in the shower and looking and feeling like a human again.  I was slowly scrambling up the slippery slope of life again, thanks to a beanie hat and the pester power of a puppy.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Taking responsibility

You are NOT responsible for other peoples emotions - is a lesson that keeps coming up for me.

So maybe I should listen, right?

This lesson came up in Assertiveness group.  It's actually a really scary thing to take onboard.

If I am not responsible for other people's emotions, then they are not responsible for mine.  So the freedom of giving up the burden and blame of affecting others is given with one hand, then taken away with another.

The reason I felt the need to write about it, is that taking responsibility for your own emotions only, is very empowering.  As I said the freedom, the room to move it gives you is great.  It can take the heat out of arguments, it reduces guilt.  Guilt is something I weighs down on my heavily, so anything that reduces the load is worth a go.

It's a big shift though,  I find myself relearning this lesson over and over.

In our house now, our arguments now start with

Mr Brown:           "You make me angry when you ........"
Me:                      "No - I don't make you feel anything!"

In fairness that winds him up even more.  I have learned to apply this to Mr Brown quite easily but not to anyone else or myself.

When I do take responsibility for my emotions I end up saying it in a sarcastic voice.

"I feel angry because ...." (how do you write in a sarcastic, whiny, stupid voice?)

So although I am saying the words.  I'm not quite believing it, if that makes sense?  The light, sarcastic tone takes away from owning the feeling.

You may be thinking as Mr Brown does, hang on a minute it is what the other person did that made me feel like that.  Well people can definitely push your buttons, they may know how you feel about certain things and use this in situations, but you always have control in how you act.  It doesn't always seem like it, but we all have a choice in our actions.

It may not feel like a conscious decision to start shouting, or stomping or huffing ( ps I'm making our house sound like a nightmare, it honestly isn't!)  You do though, it may have become an automatic reaction but you do choose that behaviour.

The CBT approach teaches us to become aware of the thinking behind our behaviours and how we can change that.  So the more I practice, taking the time to choose how I want to react.  To take responsibility for my emotions, my actions and my behaviour.

I can look back and my brother and me have been shirking responsibility for a long time.  If anything went wrong, I'm thinking about accidents and breaking stuff, we would race to my mum and shout the fastest and the loudest

It wasn't me!

Funnily enough round about the time this song was out!

This would happen a lot.  Honestly it was a race to plead your innocence as quickly and as clearly as possible!  Even when we hurt or upset the other person, this logic still applied.  Deny your involvement.

So as I approach 29 years of age, I start to learn a new strategy.  It was me.  I feel, I own this emotion.

Do you blame others for how you feel?

Love Mrs Brown xx

More therapy?

via clarejbrown

Why People Refuse Therapy – Therapy Feels like an Insult spoke volumes to me.  It took me back to every consultation I've had to discuss my care plan!

Not the anger - mainly because I suppress this feeling too much, but definitely an annoyance.  The irritation that rises and the feeling that I know all this but I'm still not better!  So many times have I heard those thoughts swirling round my mind.

I would start listing everything I have done to be fixed.  The self help books, the online courses, the counselling, the group therapy, the one to one CBT, mindfulness, meditation, alternative healers, medication after medication, combined, dosed, you name it I will do it.  In fairness I haven't been in the system that long.  I know I can't have tried everything.  But it sure feels like it.

This feeling of insult by offering something else to try, comes and goes.  I would be all in, sign me up for anything to feel better.  Then retreat from services as I thought they weren't for me.  They may have worked for other people but not me.

The more I learn, the more coping strategies I have.  The more things I experience, the more choices I have in what is right for me.

So I take the feelings of insult and learn from it.  That's all I can ask of myself.

Just show up everyday for life.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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This time last year

 This time last year .......

This was what I kept thinking today. This time last year I was waking up in Seattle.  I remember because it was September 11th and we were in America.  Everyone will remember what happen on that day, it's a day stamped in our memory.

9/11 seemed so far away from Scotland yet it shook the world.  In Seattle 10 years on, it felt so much closer.  But it was a lovely day, everyone remembering, taking the time to show they hadn't forgotten the impact of that day.

I looked back with fondness, my first trip abroad on my adult passport and boy what a trip it was! My hubby pulled together an amazing honeymoon.  Booked with points and loyalty rewards, all those days away helped us have a trip of a lifetime together.

I felt my mood dip, the present day didn't seem as cheery.

In a change from the norm, I tried to focus on the progress since last year.  Last year I was struggling, my main focus at work was just 'keep my head above water', my strategy was if you can just keep all the plates spinning long enough the break away will fix everything.  The holiday would solve all my problems.  I think you can guess, it didn't.

The trip was fabulous, I loved America, I loved the people, the places, I felt comfortable, I felt free, just me & Mr Brown.  The sun on my skin, warmth in my bones.  I was in control again, I planned our days, I even did well with the navigating!  I had energy, I felt motivated and had enthusiasm.

In fact when our trip ended in Vegas (Vegas, baby!), Mr B was starting to get home sick, I didn't want to come back.  Not the usual "we had a great holiday, let's stay" but more please don't take me back there! Who would want to go back to feeling overwhelmed, swamped, out of control, fat, self conscious and failing.

So a year on, I have come along way.  I  can say though I am not at my final destination yet.

I know I am not at my destination yet, as I still struggle.  This time last week I was not in a good place again. I have even travelled so far from a few days ago.

Sometimes it's good to look back, but don't linger in the past.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift.  That's why they call it the present.

A few pics from my scrap book of honeymoon, I felt like some how sharing.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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