All over the place

There have been some highs and some lows these past few weeks.  I've been a bit all over the place.

I had a great meeting with my new psychiatrist, his explanations just make soo much sense.  So after two brief appointments I felt over the moon when he suggested coming off 2 of my medications.

In my mind, I'm doing fine, let's get off the meds  - was just what I wanted to hear.

I've been feeling broody.  I've heard my biological clock ticking.  But I wouldn't risk getting pregnant on my meds, I would really like not to have to worry about what harm medications could do, and even better would like not to worry about my mood.  Anyways the quicker I'm off my meds, the quicker we can try for a baby.  That was my thinking.  So yes, I was ready to come off.

Off I skipped, chuffed with myself.  This guy had seen progress & he felt I was ready to stop popping a few pills each day.

5 days later .......

I'm a wreck, I'm shaking inside, my stomach is doing flips, my mind is racing, I haven't slept & my to do list at work seems like it's written on a never ending scroll.

What happened to the girl who was ready for this?  Where is the Mrs Brown that the psychiatrist was so pleased with?  The one whose symptoms had improved?

The answer, I have no idea.  But she has definitely gone.  Instead I am left with the Mrs Brown who is struggling, the one who is unsure of herself, questioning everything, including this bloody decision to come off my meds.

Did I come off to quickly? Maybe, anyways I can't afford to take steps back.  I can't afford to be off work.

So I am back on.  I'm taking the little pill that seems to be making a massive difference.

At least it gave me something to write about, eh?  It certainly wasn't another week of feeling nothing.  I had plenty of feelings, just not the strong, confident, fine ones I had hoped for.

Sorry for the rambleyness of this post but as the title says my mind is all over the place.

Love Mrs Brown xx

What have I been up to??

What have I been up to?

Good question!

I have been doing the stuff that must be done - like get washed, dressed, walk the dog, eat, go to work, etc, etc.  The stuff that keeps your life normal.

But that's about all I've managed.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy, the strength or even the will to do anything more.

So I have neglected my blog, I even stopped retweeting, I didn't check in on Facebook & Google reader - well apparently it is no more!  A little reminder that although I may have been standing still, social media and life in general never stops.

Slowly but surely I have been opening my mac again.  Dipping my toe into the world wide web again. Catching up with life.

And I think I'm ready to jump back in again.

Love Mrs Brown xx

Medication

I recently started another medication. I now take 4 tablets every day. 

The funny thing about me & my medication is that when I need it I don't want to take it! Now my mood is going through a bright patch I find myself doing the silly thing of questioning the need to keep taking the meds.  So I write this as a reminder of my antidepressant experience.

When my mood was particularly low I struggled with the diagnosis of depression and what mental health meant to me.  I didn't want to be on antidepressants cos that would mean admitting I was depressed.

Deciding to take the medication, was the right treatment for me.  I know it may not be for everyone.  I discussed it with my GP, my psychiatrist, my hubby & good old wikipedia. Wow, I made that sound easy.

It wasn't.

Know that, starting medication wasn't easy for me.

Antidepressants take some time to be effective.  My doctors said you have to give it at least 4-6 weeks to notice any effect.  AND what they failed to mention is that they may not work at all for you.  

There are lots of different types of antidepressant meds that can be prescribed, & they work in different ways.  So if one class of drug doesn't work they can try another.  But this all takes time.  Time when you are at a very low point.  When you desperately want the medication/something/anything to work.

I tried 3 different medications before I found one that started to help. So after all these months searching for some pharmacological help, what did I do? I stopped taking the meds.  I don't need them any more, I'm feeling better.  My mental health is looking up.

Then .......

Crash. I dip again.  I end up with anxiety plus back to struggling.  Struggling to get dressed, struggling to get myself in a shower, struggling do anything that involves any effort.

I don't tell anyone cos I feel ashamed that I am not following the treatment.  How stupid can I be?  I go back on them but can't get back to where we were! In the end it is a combination of antidepressants that help lift my mood.  Did I take myself off them again when I was feeling better? Yip! 

Know that when you have mental health issues - you will do things you know aren't logical but you will do them anyway.  Cos at the time the mental illness doesn't care about logic, it wants to keep you in that place, the illness doesn't want any help.  But the part of you that pushes past this, will win.  At some point.

Side effects - I think I've been lucky.  Mine tend to make me drowsy, especially when I start a new regime.  I take most of mine at night so I use this side effect to my advantage to try get a full nights sleep - sleep is also a very important part of my treatment!  I have put on weight but I am unsure if this was the medication or just my poor eating habits, which I now know are one of my signs that my mental health is dipping.

I learn more about me & my depression as we go along.  The more I learn, the more prepared & in control I feel.  This helps with my anxiety.  I have agreed with my psychiatrist that I will continue my medication for at least 6 months after I feel well.  This may sound like ages, but it's nothing if it means I don't dip on the mood roller coaster.  

I like that we have a plan.  It makes it easier to take the medicine.

Keep taking the medication.  Plan any changes with your doctor.

Have you used antidepressants?  Any side effects? 

Love Mrs Brown xx

Dealing with depression

At present we are very much dealing with my depression.  I say 'we' because it's not just me that has to learn to cope.

Today I came across a story that seemed similar to my own.  The absolute denial that I had depression.  When I first started to struggle with my mood I could not admit to anyone, not even myself that I may be depressed.  You can not start to deal with your depression if you are spending all your time trying to prove that you are not! When I was referred to the mental health team I spent many a session trying to convince them & myself that it must be something else.  Something we were missing.

It took me a long time to get the place I am at now.

I still have bad days.  Everyone has bad days, but I need medication to help me through mine.

I need to go to bed at the right time, make sure I am eating a balanced diet, get enough fresh air, enough exercise & talk about my feelings just in order to get through the week in one piece.

I wasn't sure I was strong enough when I started my blog.  Confident enough to put myself out there.  Strong enough to talk about my struggles.

This week I proved  - I am.

I wrote about my achievements here & I sent a post to Black Dog Tribe (a campaign run by SANE - a mental health charity) to be shared with others.

The 'Black Dog' is a metaphor for depression.  By calling it 'the black dog' it definitely allows me to speak more openly & honestly about feelings of depression, despair, suicide, loneliness & asking for help.  Exactly what the campaign is all about.

My other black dog, Bailey, is my rock but I couldn't get through this without my husband. So the post I put forward was about him also dealing with depression, my depression.  I am very proud of his words and him.

Today I also feel proud of me.  Proud that I am indeed dealing with my depression & I hope my words here can be some hope for anyone else trying to tame the black dog.

Start dealing with depression I know you can.

Love Mrs Brown xx