Dealing with depression

At present we are very much dealing with my depression.  I say 'we' because it's not just me that has to learn to cope.

Today I came across a story that seemed similar to my own.  The absolute denial that I had depression.  When I first started to struggle with my mood I could not admit to anyone, not even myself that I may be depressed.  You can not start to deal with your depression if you are spending all your time trying to prove that you are not! When I was referred to the mental health team I spent many a session trying to convince them & myself that it must be something else.  Something we were missing.

It took me a long time to get the place I am at now.

I still have bad days.  Everyone has bad days, but I need medication to help me through mine.

I need to go to bed at the right time, make sure I am eating a balanced diet, get enough fresh air, enough exercise & talk about my feelings just in order to get through the week in one piece.

I wasn't sure I was strong enough when I started my blog.  Confident enough to put myself out there.  Strong enough to talk about my struggles.

This week I proved  - I am.

I wrote about my achievements here & I sent a post to Black Dog Tribe (a campaign run by SANE - a mental health charity) to be shared with others.

The 'Black Dog' is a metaphor for depression.  By calling it 'the black dog' it definitely allows me to speak more openly & honestly about feelings of depression, despair, suicide, loneliness & asking for help.  Exactly what the campaign is all about.

My other black dog, Bailey, is my rock but I couldn't get through this without my husband. So the post I put forward was about him also dealing with depression, my depression.  I am very proud of his words and him.

Today I also feel proud of me.  Proud that I am indeed dealing with my depression & I hope my words here can be some hope for anyone else trying to tame the black dog.

Start dealing with depression I know you can.

Love Mrs Brown xx

I did it!

I did it!

I was walked across broken glass then just for fun did a fire walk!

There was a bit more prep to it than that, but yes on a Friday night in November I took my socks & shoes off and walked across broken glass & then hot coals.  

The Glass Walk

The glass walk was all about being relaxed and overcoming your fears. Razor sharp broken glass might I add, that makes relaxing a bit more difficult.

Did I enjoy it?

Yes I think I did! For me being relaxed is something I am trying to work on so perfect chance to use some skills! I did struggle a bit but acceptable I think under the circumstances.

Try to picture a line of broken glass, the sounds of crunching glass beneath the instructors feet, a crowd of people ooohing & ahhhing, & then me realising I have my jumper on the wrong way & you get an idea of the feelings that were bubbling inside me as I took my place.

But I did it! I even have a cut to prove it.

For someone who at this time last year could hardly leave her bedroom you would think a walk bare foot across broken glass in front of a crowd would be enough excitement for one Friday night but nope I then was set to walk over hot coals.

The Fire Walk

Now this is where the fun really started. The instructor guy was amazing.  He took me from being an introverted, hide at the back, don't say a word, keep your head down kind of girl to 

Standing tall, chest out - he told us too ;-), feeling amazing, pumped, ready to go, look me in the eye, on a mission kinda girl!

I can't emphasise the change in me.  I literally went from looking at the floor to scrape me off the ceiling.  At this point we headed to the fire.

My mum & hubby were there to watch & also couldn't believe the difference in me.

The queue formed & as each person ran across the fire pit instead of feeling fear, anxiety, dread I was feeling excited & desperate for my turn!!

I got to the front & they needed to rake up the fire get it all hot again, Thanks!

Instructor: What's your name?

Me: CLLLLLAAAAARRRRREEEEE!!!!!! 

Instructor: Are you ready for this?

Me: YEEEEEESSSSSS!!!!!WOOOOOOO

At that point I skipped across the fire.  Shouting "Yeaaahhhhh" as I went (very American, I know). The crowd cheered, I air punched it was amazing.

Did you enjoy it?

Hell, yeah!! I would recommend it to everyone! It is an amazing feeling.  No fear, knowing I can do it.  

This was a charity event for Yorkhill Children's Foundation in Glasgow.  It is a kids hospital that does soo much great work in Scotland, & as a child I did have to use their services so it was lovely to be able to give back.

But I would say I got loads out of the night too!  It was certainly a challenge.  I had to ask people for sponsorship.  I had to go into the training for the event on my own, that was a big thing for me.  Then had to be in front of a crowd of people & all this before I even take my shoes & socks off!!

But as this you may have guessed this post is about reminding myself that - I DID IT!

I can do what ever I put my mind to.  I can overcome my fears.  I can do things I never thought were possible.  I can surprise people, including myself.

Oh yeah & if you get a chance to do it - you should! It is awesome & I am glad I will have these memories. My plan is to pull the feelings & thoughts from that night any time I need it during the rest of my recovery!!

Caution feet pictures coming up!!

I leave you with some wise words & a link to my donating site!! (See my confidence is still sky high!)

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” - Walt Disney

“The only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking.” - Robert Schuller

Love Mrs Brown  xx

The dog that saved my life

I have an amazing black labrador.  Meet Bailey Brown.

My beautiful boy

He was 2 years old in March.  He is a strong boy though.  He is strong enough to carry me, when I can not longer carry myself.

I never had a dog when I was growing up.  I really wanted one, but my mum is scared so just wasn't going to happen.

When I moved in with my husband it took him a lot of adjusting (that's one word for it, others may have seen it as arguments) to my messy habits, he could never have believed we would be dog people.  He was a clean freak, hadn't used the oven - to keep it clean till I moved in!  We took our shoes off before entering the flat, our beige carpets were hoovered every day, basically there was no way we had been thinking about getting a dog.

Too much hassle.

But then again we didn't think I would be crying everyday, hiding under the covers, off work for nearly a year and that my every thought would be about how I could end it all without Mr Brown having to find me.

We were getting married.  We were saving for our dream day.  We also had one of those ceramic pots that said "Wedding Fund" in which we faithfully deposited any £1 or £2 coins we had.  It sat high on the shelving unit in out living room as a reminder to save, save, save.

I was in counselling, which wasn't helping.  I was changing meds again, no lift in symptoms despite taking them faithfully.  I was on a waiting list to see the mental health team and psychiatrist and was beginning to feel even more hopeless.  When I read online in many pages that a dog could help with depression.  With a naivety of the responsibility a dog would be, I proposed this as a flippant suggestion to Mr Brown.

We joked about for a few days then we signed up to see a puppy would cost, ever the budget man Mr Brown thought it was doable.  So my pester power kicked in! Can I get one? Can we? Please, please, please.  It was the most enthusiasm he had seen in me for months.  We had to get one if this was how it could make me feel.

In the pet shop getting food for our hamster (RIP Ellie, Mr Brown's idea, this one didn't work out as well, she was very much a solitary animal, didn't really like us!)  he saw an advert for black labrador puppies that were ready NOW!  Mr Brown is impulsive, not like me at all.  If he decides to do something it gets done straight away, me on the other hand can sit on a decision for years.

Anyway long story short we came home, got a hammer out and smashed that ceramic pot into small pieces.  The next day we purchased a crate, blankets, toys and a black labrador.

The responsibility was just what I needed.  I couldn't quite manage to look after myself but this helpless little puppy needed me.  A reason to live all wrapped up in black bundle of fluff and sharp little teeth!  I allowed my dog to see a side of me that I just couldn't let my amazingly supportive husband see.

He made me sleep when he did, get up, go to puppy classes and generally use my brain a bit more.  He made me smile and loved me unconditionally, even on my darkest day.  And still does.

He grown into a fine man.  So well behaved, even my mum who's scared of dogs loves him! Every day he reminds me that I am loved.

He's very special to me and deserves this proper introduction.  Such a nice post to write.

Love Mrs Brown xx

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Every where you go

That's what you call a tree!

I don't usually get 'into' the Christmas spirit.  The past few years my mood hasn't lifted enough to allow much festive fun.  In fact, the "C" word brought more issues - panic of putting on a brave face, not letting it slip that I had been off work for months, trying to get gifts when you can hardly leave your bed, trying not to cry at every little thing, my heart racing at thoughts of how many terrible ways my hubby could die due to bad weather - anyways you get the picture.

This year is different.  For our anniversary in June my hubby bought tickets for the Christmas markets in Prague.  A lovely city break just me & Mr Brown, something to look forward to.  My mood is holding up with only a few dark patches these last few weeks, so I was in a great place for enjoying this gift.

Scotland is cold so the weather wasn't going to be an issue. I packed up my thickest cardies, grabbed some new gloves, a cute knitted hair band & a poncho!  A new look & a new city to explore.

Prague is a beautiful city, the buildings are very pretty & the people were very polite.

It was so easy to walk to all the sights from our hotel so my feet took a pounding but I loved it.

Back to work tomorrow but for the first time in years I am feeling the Christmas cheer.  Enjoy some lovely pictures of Prague & Christmas, just wished you had smell a blog because the market was filled with the scent of gingerbread, pretzels, cakes & the famous Prague Ham.

Hubby at Heatrow

Gorgeous Xmas window displays

We went on a romantic horse & carriage tour

The famous Prague Ham

Mr B's great picture of the Old Town Square

An early Xmas pressie - traditional Czech Garnet

Do you always enjoy Christmas? Ever been to the Christmas markets?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Comfort in Food

A house is not a home unless it contains food and fire for the mind as well as the body.

Benjamin Franklin

The nights are dark and there is a chill in the air the perfect time for a big bowl of piping hot tattie soup!

Comfort food is warming, fills your belly & harks back to good times. I'm thinking of a warm hug from the inside out, you know the feeling.

Your comfort food may be a mug of hot chocolate, a hearty soup, a traditional pasta bake or any food that you associate with feeling good with so a treat such as ice cream or cakes.

Food can affect your mood, and your mood can affect your food choices.

As a dietitian my work life is all about food. I talk about it all day! I have started to notice a pattern and association between my food and my mood.

When my mood starts to dip, my food choices start to slip.  I start choosing quick and easy meals.  My prep of meals gets less and less till I eventually end up eating out of packets.  Now this is not a post on healthy eating but more an observation that food plays a role in my depression.

When your spending most of your time on the sofa and haven't managed to coax yourself into the shower, there is no way your going to have the energy or inclination to cook a healthy meal from scratch. My meal of choice on these days (if I eat at all!) is a packet of crisps. Is this the kind of food that is going to fuel my brain and help with my serotonin levels? Not likely, however this is what I turn to.

Part of the choice comes from the lack of energy and motivation to complete tasks but there is also a part of me that chooses foods that give me comfort.  The downside to the comfort is the associated guilt feelings that I 'should' be choosing foods that will help provide the energy and lift I so desperately need.

I have struggled with my weight most of my adult life. I desperately want to be thinner and go through periods where I concentrate on weight reduction. I have the nutritional knowledge and if you had a look around our tiny flat you would think I was an athlete the amount of exercise equipment I have! Yet I still struggle.

At present I am going through my "I want to lose weight phase" So I have my fitness pal (follow me on   MrsBrownThought) and I am logging my calories in and out.

My mood has been up and down the past few weeks but I am trying to keep my eating on track and my hubby is home and he never lets me have nothing to eat.  He enjoys cooking and because he can be away alot with work he enjoys being able to try out new recipes when he is home.

He felt we had to celebrate the conclusion of the flat sale (yeah!!) and he chose to mark such an occasion by making a banoffee pie.

Just call Mr Brown - Browngella!

We use foods in this house to celebrate, to commiserate and to treat ourselves. Food is my work and it is a big part of our social life - eating out, cooking, treats, and rewards.

When my mood is low, I find myself looking for comfort in food.  Eating to feel better.  Eating to feed my brain more than my belly.  Eating to dampen the feelings of despair.  Eating to fill my emptiness.

Usually I would have all the banoffee pie and then beat myself up about it for days afterwards, which would send my mood on a downwards spiral.

This week I had a sizeable piece that I enjoyed immensely! Thank you Mr Brown. I logged it in my fitness pal food diary and I did a quick tabata workout to balance out my calories!

Today I right a blog post feeling the real comfort in food.  I enjoyed the treat my hubby had lovingly prepared and I felt the joy of being in control of my mood and my choices.  I think I may be turning a corner folks!

What's your comfort food? How does food affect your mood?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Loving someone with depression

I mention Mr Brown in most of my posts, mainly because he helps me through everything.  He sometimes stop by to read my thoughts & as I was writing on holiday he asked if he could do a piece for my blog.

So without further babbling, I hand you over to Mr Brown, for my first ever guest post.

Being in sales is tough. I work in a large territory that spans many countries, and every day I need to get up and get going. It's never been a problem to me, to motivate myself. I am motivated by doing my best, and it's easy to keep going when I am working hard.

I remember 15 years ago when my mum went to the doctors with a painful lump on the back of her hand. He told her it was nothing to worry about. Quickly this lump spread and her fingers and toes begin to swell. She had severe arthritis. 

 Walking and moving became painful for her. It used to break my heart hearing her sob in the night, from the constant pain. Now it is better controlled, but she still has painful bouts of arthritis and is managed by a team of experts. She needs a hip replacement and this will hopefully improve her again, but the years of pain are etched on her face now.

In December 2009 I had just started my dream job. I was sitting in a hotel in Switzerland speaking to Mrs. Brown. She didn't sound quite right and I pestered her to tell me what was wrong. She had been diagnosed with depression. I hadn't noticed the 'lump on the back of her hand', the low mood and lack of motivation. I just thought she was lazy. That day began the decent for both of us. For nearly a year I felt like I was that helpless 15 year old boy, listening to his mothers sobs, desperately wanting my wife-to-be to begin to pull her self out of whatever was causing her to be 'not herself'. It was a year before I really began to understand. I just couldn't get how anyone could not be motivated. Things did get better. Then after a few months, it got much worse again. 

It isn't easy  caring for a person with depression. There is no help in doing things in the house, no enthusiasm for days out, no intimacy, no laughter and no release from the pressure. But now I see the old Mrs. Brown back from time to time, for longer and longer. There is still some ups and downs but they are less severe and don't last as long. We both have to accept that this, like arthritis, will persist for years, but the better controlled, the less severe the relapses will be. But it isn't arthritis. You can't see the symptoms and we both have to realise when things are not right and act accordingly. Prevention is better than relapse.

Every cloud has a silver lining. Our relationship is strong because I reckon, if we can survive the lows of the last two years, we can survive anything. I love Mrs. Brown, and together we will succeed.

Depression hasn't  pushed us apart, but made us grow together. And our relationship is stronger for it.

His kind words are great for me to hear but I also hope they may help someone else in a similar relationship.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Celeb Spotting

Murder on the dance floor

No this is not a post about my awful dance moves.  Over night I seem to have lost any rhythm I had in my early 20s & now have a limited repertoire of daddy dance moves!

Anyways moving on.  I was in the BA lounge in Instanbul when a very thin girl walked past. As she sat down I found myself staring. I don't usual stare, honest, but I felt I recognised her.  I knew it wasn't someone I knew but then I got it! It was Sophie Ellis-Bextor.  

Did my hubby recognise her - no! When I googled a picture of her he said no it's not her.

So twitter to the rescue.  Yes Miss Bextor is in Instanbul for the Turkish Man of the Year awards.  She even tweeted so herself! 

I have only met a handful of 'famous' people.  Now bear with me on this as my idea of famous & your idea of famous may be slightly different. 

I was in a shopping centre when I recognised some guys face.  I stared, how do I know that face then this flew out my mouth

"Oh my god, it's David Sneddon"

I even did the hands on my face, really shocked look.  Right, I know your thinking who is David Sneddon. Well he had just been on a little programme called Fame Academy.  BBC's attempt at Pop Idol, or for the young people who may be reading this, doubt it, X factor.  Now at the time he must have been fairly famous because what happened next was a stampede of screaming young girls.  Where they came from I do not know but they swarmed around him like honey to the bees (I'm properly flashing back to the 90s now with that Billie Piper song reference!)

Ok I digressed anyways it went Oh my god, swarm of girls then me saying "oops I didn't even watch fame academy, why did I just shout that". To which he said

"Thanks!" & was not impressed by my outburst or my lack of interest in his show.

Then there was the story of me at the theatre in Glasgow.  I am a major fan of River City, a Scottish soap & I was excited as 3 of the cast members were in this pantomime, probably the main reason I booked it!  I have a weird crush on one such character, 'wee Bob' (when your reading this in your head think Boab with said with a thick Scottish accent to get it right)  Anyways I digressed again, he was outside smoking a cigarette.  Again my mouth engaged all by itself and what came out was

"Urggggh You smoke! Your not the man I thought you were"

What the ....... embarrassed, I was scarlet.  He laughed & said "afraid so"

One more story then we will get to Sophie. She's 3 rows behind me on the plane as we speak.  Well as I write, from business class don't you know! There is a first for everything & this is my first business class flight & first all inclusive holiday, so i should have been more prepared for celeb spotting! Lol

The last story comes from a day out to the filming of a dance show, so good I can't remember the name.  The host of the show was Davina McCall, we didn't know this at the time. A painful thin lady with a very prominent nose walked past. I turned to Mr Brown & said she looks a little like Davina McCall eh? Just a wee bit? She looked at me & laughed then shouted into the crowd "Hello everybody it's me, Davina here!"

Mortified.

So I don't have a good track record with famous people.  I seemed to get star struck very easily.  In the BA lounge I tried to be cool.  Be quiet, don't stare I kept saying.

I was actually a big fan of Sophie Ellis-Bextor when I was younger.  I loved her songs & her pale skin & glamorous look appealed to me even if I still cannot pull it off! I did not embarrass myself but it would have been nice to pluck up the courage to speak to her, although what would I say.  I struggle to speak to my friends most days never mind a complete stranger!

My hubby did take a sneaky picture though.

Who have you met? Have you ever embarrassed yourself?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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