All over the place

There have been some highs and some lows these past few weeks.  I've been a bit all over the place.

I had a great meeting with my new psychiatrist, his explanations just make soo much sense.  So after two brief appointments I felt over the moon when he suggested coming off 2 of my medications.

In my mind, I'm doing fine, let's get off the meds  - was just what I wanted to hear.

I've been feeling broody.  I've heard my biological clock ticking.  But I wouldn't risk getting pregnant on my meds, I would really like not to have to worry about what harm medications could do, and even better would like not to worry about my mood.  Anyways the quicker I'm off my meds, the quicker we can try for a baby.  That was my thinking.  So yes, I was ready to come off.

Off I skipped, chuffed with myself.  This guy had seen progress & he felt I was ready to stop popping a few pills each day.

5 days later .......

I'm a wreck, I'm shaking inside, my stomach is doing flips, my mind is racing, I haven't slept & my to do list at work seems like it's written on a never ending scroll.

What happened to the girl who was ready for this?  Where is the Mrs Brown that the psychiatrist was so pleased with?  The one whose symptoms had improved?

The answer, I have no idea.  But she has definitely gone.  Instead I am left with the Mrs Brown who is struggling, the one who is unsure of herself, questioning everything, including this bloody decision to come off my meds.

Did I come off to quickly? Maybe, anyways I can't afford to take steps back.  I can't afford to be off work.

So I am back on.  I'm taking the little pill that seems to be making a massive difference.

At least it gave me something to write about, eh?  It certainly wasn't another week of feeling nothing.  I had plenty of feelings, just not the strong, confident, fine ones I had hoped for.

Sorry for the rambleyness of this post but as the title says my mind is all over the place.

Love Mrs Brown xx

12 Week Summer Weight Loss Challenge & Link Up

I have been a bit quiet on the blog front.  I have been struggling for inspiration.  Well I've found some!

I found a challenge.  A summer weight loss challenge.

I've been keeping up with different blogs on bloglovin and have been drawn to fitness and weight loss blogs.  I have long struggled with my weight and always seem to be wanting to lose weight but never actually doing it!

But I joined a slimming group, and for the past 10 weeks I've weighing in.  My progress has been slow but mainly because I've had a lack of focus.  I've been weighing in, and kinda watching what I'm eating but not really putting in a great deal of effort.  I've been selling myself short.  Soo ......

Challenge Accepted.

Every Friday Caitlin over at Weights and Measure will post three new mini challenges.  I try to complete the challenges and do a post about my week.

I think this is a great way for me to put in the effort and to stay accountable.

The challenge will run for 12 weeks - which takes us right up to the day before my holidays! What perfect motivation.

This week the challenges are

1. Identify three weight loss goals I would like to achieve or work towards over the next 12 weeks
- I'm nearly there with my goals but I think they deserve a post on their own - stay tuned!

2. Drink 2L of water per day - gonna be a tough one for me, especially with my diet coke addiction!

3. Get active - 30mins of activity per day - sure Bailey will help me out with this one.

Caitlin's been so organised there is even a hashtag! #12wkssummerchallenge so I will be tweeting along as well.

The little things

Hello! Long time, no speak.

I am not going to ramble on about being away or coming back, all I will say is that today I feel ready to write.

Today feels like a turning point, feels like I've been able to stop & take stock. Focus on the little things.

I seem to have glossed over the little things that keep me going.  I have been missing my zumba, my hair was in terrible need of a colour & cut, my skin was screaming out for a facial and my computer had been gathering dust.  The little things that make me feel "me" have been neglected.

Today I noticed that things were beginning to slip.  I was able to see what I needed to do!

My pick me up - repair kit

I got my Liz Earle Cleanse & Polish from the back of the cabinet & gave my skin a freshen up.  The difference is incredible, my skin feels smooth & nourished.

Then I found a sample of shampoo & conditioner I have carted from the flat to here but had left it hiding in a drawer, probably never to be used!

But today I fancied a change, a pick me up.  My hair deserved it, my hair needed it!  So Tresemme Split Remedy to the rescue.  My hair feels silky smooth, it smells divine & looks much healthier.

No more split ends!

And I feel stronger, fresher & more together.  It's the little things that can make a big difference.

Love Mrs Brown xx

What have I been up to??

What have I been up to?

Good question!

I have been doing the stuff that must be done - like get washed, dressed, walk the dog, eat, go to work, etc, etc.  The stuff that keeps your life normal.

But that's about all I've managed.  Sometimes I just don't have the energy, the strength or even the will to do anything more.

So I have neglected my blog, I even stopped retweeting, I didn't check in on Facebook & Google reader - well apparently it is no more!  A little reminder that although I may have been standing still, social media and life in general never stops.

Slowly but surely I have been opening my mac again.  Dipping my toe into the world wide web again. Catching up with life.

And I think I'm ready to jump back in again.

Love Mrs Brown xx

I can see!

Hello, I can see you! Not in a creepy way, honest.

I can now see, thanks to my new glasses.

Last Friday I managed to get to the opticians.  I had been putting this off for a while, a few years to be precise.

Why put it off? Well, expense & choosing new glasses.  I did need new glasses my prescription has changed significantly & I have a new stigma - I have no idea what that all meant but I trust the optician.

Specsavers had the Buy one get one free offer so I took advantage & got myself not one new shiny pair but two!!  Now I have a choice again.

Hold on to you hats as I went for a change!  Hubby helped me choose which was good cos the sales people were nice but I do find it hard believe them when every pair looks lovely on you.

Gok Wan were my first choice.  I heard the collection was vintage inspired & hubby went straight for them in the shop.

Company Magazine said: 

GW by Gok Wan is a capsule collection of 30 stunning glasses. Think cool, retro designs inspired by decades past, from the 1940s right through to the 1970s. Using eye-accentuating colours such as ivory, caramel, navy and grey, coupled with discreet branding, the range oozes subtle glamour. 

I went for a gorgeous cats' eye shape a big change & still getting used to the statement they make when I wear them but I do love them.

My second pair are from Karen Millen & after trying on like what felt like every pair in the shop, these lovelies fit like a glove.  They also have a nod to the past & leopard print!  I decided to get Reaction lenses on these so this pair doubles as sun glasses - how very cool!

So what do you think?  You like my new glasses?

Love Mrs Brown xx

Highs and Lows

They say life is not about the destination but the journey.  Recovering from depression if you focus too much on feeling better you can miss how far you have come.  I wrote a post on this time last year, as it's good to keep track of your journey & not just the highs & lows. My hubby is very good at reminding me not to focus on the negative & the lows but instead to look at the bigger picture.  

Maybe I am just impatient but I want to be 'better'. I want to just be there already! The kid in the back of the car saying are we there yet? every few minutes is me! However the problem is, I have no idea where I am going.  There is no map or travel planner for life's journey.

How do I define better? How does my psychiatrist & GP define it & do we think the same.

Sometimes the road ahead is bright & simple

My main focus for the past few months has been to be getting back to work.  The plan for this included establishing routines, pacing myself with tasks & getting used to being with people more. I suppose I have done this.

I have returned to work on a part time basis.

I get up (most days, I am never going to be a morning person! My body just functions so much better at night time).

I get through my to do list at work & I am not taking stuff home.

I speak to people when I am there, that counts as being sociable right?

So am I better? Do I still have symptoms of depression is what my GP asks? Well that is the pressing question.

Everyone experiences highs and low, your mood is never constant as it changes throughout the day & day to day. When you've been diagnosed with depression though, I felt like suddenly these changes in mood that are normal for most people didn't apply to me.  For instance if I was laughing or having a normal conversation my family would say "oh your much better now" & rightly, I was no longer crying or sitting in silence but I still felt in slow motion or like I was working damn hard at being 'normal'.  Am I holding myself back, I asked my key worker.  I don't want to be someone who is always playing the victim, oh woo is me.  It also works for when I'm just tired or just have no real chat & suddenly family are worrying - are you ok? Are you sure? You don't seem fine - I am allowed to have off days too!!

Sometimes the road ahead seem like an uphill struggle with barriers along the way!

I am travelling the road of recovery.  I have had some pit stops along the way,  I started in Deep Depression then dropped by Hotel Anxiety & stayed there a while, Low Self Esteem Inn always have a room on standby for me & I drop in regularly.  I appear to be climbing Voice Mountain at the moment, a new unexpected place that no one else seems to be overly concerned about but for me is terrifying.

Everyone's journey through life is different.  Mine is going through a bumpy patch but that just adds to the adventure, right?

Please feel free to share a little of your journey below

Love Mrs Brown xx

Sunday Social - Brought to you by the number two

Here we go again, its Sunday, so I'm being sociable!  A little later than usual but still linking up with the hostess' with the mostestesses - I know it's not even a word! ;-)  It's Ashley & Neely with this week's questions.

This week is sponsored by the number Two.

If you were stuck on an island what are the two material items you would want to have?

Are we talking practical or just crazy wants?
Practical (I'm thinking I could survive for longer if I had these as long as there was food as well of course)
1. A good supply of razors - or else I'd end up like a hairy animal!
2. Music - preferably 80s or cheesy pop would see me through the long days
Crazy Want
1. iPhone - to call home lol
2. a hair dryer - my hair looks greasy if I let it dry naturally

What are the two TV shows you'd watch over and over?

1. Got to be Grey's Anatomy - I am addicted.  Plus sooooooo much happens in each episode I never get tired of it. Drama, medical stuff & hot doctors what more could a girl ask for!

2. My second choice is not so clear cut.  I think at mo I would have to say New Girl - it's my new obsession & seen a few repeats already & still find them funny! It's Jess!

If your house was on fire what two things aside from family, pets, etc would you grab?

Sadly I know I would go for my phone & my laptop - it would be a big loss to me to lose both of these.  My mum did have a house fire, I wasn't in at the time, but everything can be replaced nowadays even photos & memories.

What are your two favourite articles of clothing?

Scarfs! I wear one everyday, even though it doesn't comply with uniform policy.  I need a scarf!

What are your two movies that you saw in the past year would you recommend to us?

This one sticks in my mind.  Use your time wisely.


Not in the last year but also sticks in my mind - had the cinema to myself & loved Michelle's take on Marilyn.

What are your two biggest guilty pleasures?

1. Galaxy minstrels but I don't like labelling chocolate as guilty pleasure so I'd say cheesy 80s music (two in one line, I must really like the number two)
2. Buying yarn because it's pretty even though I have too much already - I do the same with shoes!

Love Mrs Brown xx