Sunday, 3 February 2013

Highs and Lows

They say life is not about the destination but the journey.  Recovering from depression if you focus too much on feeling better you can miss how far you have come.  I wrote a post on this time last year, as it's good to keep track of your journey & not just the highs & lows. My hubby is very good at reminding me not to focus on the negative & the lows but instead to look at the bigger picture.  

Maybe I am just impatient but I want to be 'better'. I want to just be there already! The kid in the back of the car saying are we there yet? every few minutes is me! However the problem is, I have no idea where I am going.  There is no map or travel planner for life's journey.

How do I define better? How does my psychiatrist & GP define it & do we think the same.
Sometimes the road ahead is bright & simple
My main focus for the past few months has been to be getting back to work.  The plan for this included establishing routines, pacing myself with tasks & getting used to being with people more. I suppose I have done this.

I have returned to work on a part time basis.
I get up (most days, I am never going to be a morning person! My body just functions so much better at night time).
I get through my to do list at work & I am not taking stuff home.
I speak to people when I am there, that counts as being sociable right?

So am I better? Do I still have symptoms of depression is what my GP asks? Well that is the pressing question.

Everyone experiences highs and low, your mood is never constant as it changes throughout the day & day to day. When you've been diagnosed with depression though, I felt like suddenly these changes in mood that are normal for most people didn't apply to me.  For instance if I was laughing or having a normal conversation my family would say "oh your much better now" & rightly, I was no longer crying or sitting in silence but I still felt in slow motion or like I was working damn hard at being 'normal'.  Am I holding myself back, I asked my key worker.  I don't want to be someone who is always playing the victim, oh woo is me.  It also works for when I'm just tired or just have no real chat & suddenly family are worrying - are you ok? Are you sure? You don't seem fine - I am allowed to have off days too!!
Sometimes the road ahead seem like an uphill struggle with barriers along the way!
I am travelling the road of recovery.  I have had some pit stops along the way,  I started in Deep Depression then dropped by Hotel Anxiety & stayed there a while, Low Self Esteem Inn always have a room on standby for me & I drop in regularly.  I appear to be climbing Voice Mountain at the moment, a new unexpected place that no one else seems to be overly concerned about but for me is terrifying.

Everyone's journey through life is different.  Mine is going through a bumpy patch but that just adds to the adventure, right?

Please feel free to share a little of your journey below

Love Mrs Brown xx
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