Feeling Sheepish

I am 29 years old and I enjoy knitting!

I know it may not be the 'coolest' past time but it felt good on holiday when my niece said

"Auntie Clare, How can you knit? I wish I could knit like you"

She's 5 and easily impressed but it felt nice.

During my second period of long term absence from work my key worker tried to get me to focus on activities that had nothing to do with dietetics.

My life at that time revolved around working, there was a big deal of guilt that I was not able to work and if I could do other things surely I should be at my work?

I had no hobbies. Not just as result of my depression but because I had dropped anything that didn't involve developing my career.  I wasn't sure what I 'liked' to do.

What did I enjoy doing? Seem like the hardest question.

I remember my granny teaching me how to knit when I was little.  Both of my grans were great knitters.  I had dabbled but lost interest somewhere along the way.

Knitting seemed to fit the criteria of an activity non work related.  It was a hobby, right?  It was something I liked to do? It was something I could do on my own.

I started off shaky. Watching tutorials, getting books and supplies.  The perfectionist in me ripped up many projects.

I would start, make a small mistake or something didn't turn out right and I would rip it all out and wind it back up into a ball of wool.  Like I had never been there.

I did finish some small projects.  Some scarves, a teddy, some xmas decorations and some baby stuff for my friends who were pregnant.  Some were fine, some didn't turn out so good!

As usual as my mood lifted and I went back to work I stopped doing the things that I enjoy.

Then recently at work a colleague mentioned that she was knitting for the Fish & Chip Babies.

Yes, the I did say the Fish & Chip babies.  Some newborn babies, have no blankets or clothes and are being wrapped up in newspaper to keep warm and have been affectionately named 'the fish & chip babies'.

The pattern is very simple.  A stretchy jumper outfit that will fit many babies.  It doesn't need to be perfect.  The tension doesn't need to be spot on and the colours can be as wild as you like.  In fact you are encouraged to use bright colours as the outfits are unlikely to be washed.

So as I looked out on a beautiful view on holiday I decided I would do something I enjoyed.

By chance I found a shop that sold wool and needles in the little town we were staying in Italy.  It was meant, I am sure of it.

The wonders of the internet meant, a quick search online and I had the pattern.

What better way to relax and enjoy the view

I have churned out a couple of outfits now.  Don't have pictures of all of them just the last couple.

It's satisfying to make something and I know that it is doing some good.

It has been great for clearing my mind and relaxing which was just what I needed on holiday with in laws!

Do you know how to knit? What project are you most proud of?

What do you enjoy doing?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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We have a house!

So I still need to post about our house hunting adventures but I have to get this out there!

We have a house!

After a long year waiting for our flat to sell, things seem to be moving fast.

Times are changing. I feel things are falling into place & it's a lovely feeling.

We now have a house, our very own home.

I am very chuffed with our choice.

Our house just ticks so many boxes for us

• a spare bedroom, so room for a family or guests
• a kitchen with enough cupboards that our pots & pans can be put away!
• a conservatory, so space for dining table, so finally guests don't need to eat off their lap!
• a garden for our doggy to lounge in & to enjoy
• a lovely neighbour hood with lots of walks for the dog
• closer to my work - half the mileage & time means longer in my bed ;-)

I could go on & on.

I did get the "you just know" feeling too!

So my new year posts will be filled with house moving & my new adventures in the country!!

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Under Offer

Loving our new sign!

So I have been quiet for a while now, but life has just been busy. We got an offer on our flat before our holiday and so the hunt for our new home has begun!

I've never bought a house before.

Never been a position to think about it before.

It feels so very grown up. That will be me married & buying a house.

Settled, a place of my own, home, that's what I'm looking for.

I moved away for uni by choice. I went to the furthest away uni that did my course in Scotland. Partly because I knew I had to get out my comfort zone and not rely on my boyfriend and friends, but instead make an effort to fit in with new people.

Ever since I seem to be on the move, never really settling much longer than a year. It was changing flats at uni, then moving for jobs, then promotions but now I will be moving to settle.

Things are all change. For the better.

I have a few house hunting stories already so I will keep you updated.

Do you really 'know' when it's the house for you? Will I just feel it?

Any handy hints or tips would be greatly received!

Love Mrs Brown xx

Asking for help

I wrote about self neglect and how I was pulling myself up slowly but when is the time to stop struggling on myself and ask for help?

I don't really have a support network.

I'm not sure who to turn to when the shit hits the fan.

My poor ever suffering husband is my best friend which kinda makes my inner circle very small in times of need. His poor shoulders burden a heavy load sometimes.

I have a key worker. She however has recently rescheduled two appointments. I called this week to say I couldn't make the new appointment hoping for a call back which would give me an opportunity to discuss what was swirling round my head right now. No such luck she sent me out a new appointment for 3 weeks time. So I managed to pluck up the courage to call on Friday, "sorry she doesn't work a Friday" was the response that echoed down the line. So I left a message to call me.

I suppose I shouldn't be so reliant on the community team, I should have friends and family I can talk to first. But I don't. So who do you ask for help?

It's not an emergency. In fact I'm not sure what help I need. I don't want to use the resources like Samaritans, I mean what would I say, Hi, I'm liking struggling a bit right now. Just doesn't seem like the right place to ask for help.

However I am taking the positives from the situation.

I am asking for help.

This is new for me.  Must be progress! I am usually very good at bottling things up.  I have now spoke with my team leader at work to make her aware, I have contacted my key worker and I have told my husband.

Although I haven't exactly got the response I wanted.  I have taken the first step.  Maybe the next step is to make sure I am looking in the right places for the right support.

One step at a time, though!

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Overthinking, Women's Troubles

Over thinking is a trait of mine.  Apparently I am not alone in my thinking, with some research showing that the majority of people my age are over thinkers, yeah and the majority of the majority are women! Go figure.

This week has been plagued with women's troubles. The human body can do some strange things let me tell you!

As my anxiety levels increase my over thinking goes into hyper drive.  In a weird way I think over thinking will help reduce my anxiety but the truth is, it just adds to it!

The logic in me says if I think things through properly, looking at all eventuality I will make the right decision. However in life there are so many variables, and everything is not as simplistic as right and wrong.

I have an hour drive to work every day.  When my mind is racing, this hour is definitely enough time to build a mountain out of a mole hole.  I find myself replaying scenarios, or questioning people's motives or doubting my own judgements.  Which can only lead to feeling physically ill as I put my key in the door to the office.

I can't avoid this start to the day as I have to drive to work. So every work day I start the day emotionally drained and nauseous and that's all before 9am.  I kept asking myself, What can I do to stop this cycle and make work mornings that bit more bearable?

Then I remembered how to stop the thinking.

Well not literally, because I need some thought processes to drive the car, my new car has a lot of features but it's not quite get in and go yet, yet.  It's coming, I mean I don't even need to turn my lights or wipers any more, my car just 'knows'.  I digressed.

Distraction.

To get out of my head and not think about the day ahead, or what people would think or say, or what might or might not happen, not to linger on the massive to do list which was in no way realistic for the day ahead.

Driving, was no longer a distraction.  Scary to say but this journey no longer required enough thinking to drown out the tones of that faithful overthinking voice.

So I started on an audioboook. I had a quick search through the internet for a book every girl should read.  In fact I think I looked for a book every plus size girl should read but we won't split hairs.  I came across Good in Bed.  This was not available on iTunes so I downloaded Certain Girls by Jennifer Weiner the follow up to Good in Bed.

It worked a treat! I am engrossed in the book.  I am enjoying the journey.  Looking forward to getting in the car instead of dreading the commute.  The book is just what I needed and I think I may even do a review when I'm finished. Check me, gathering up my posts, I am getting the hang of this blogging malarkey.

In fact I am now using it as a distraction any time I feel my mind start racing or when I hear stuff.  So I can thoroughly recommend distraction from your women's troubles by listening to someone else's troubles, without any need to help out or get involved.  Instead I can just truly listen to something else apart from my own worries!

Away I go to listen to my book! What are you reading/listening to?

How do you deal with over thinking?

Love Mrs Brown xx

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How to beat depression with greasy hair and a black labrador

Knitted by my own fair hands.  The hats that is not the dog.

Depression sucks.  I write this because my mood has lifted enough to let me.

I write this to acknowledge my feelings and to help keep moving forward.

I have been physically unwell with an infected socket following a tooth extraction.  Physical pain I can deal with, I manage to pick myself up and do what needs to be done.  Mental pain, I seem to struggle with.

I was always the 'coper' in our family.  The strong, dependable one.  I grew up fast because I needed to.

So when I'm not coping, it drags my mental health down.  I think what scared me, the most about the last few weeks was how easy it was to slide back down that slippery slope.

Within days of feeling ill, I was back to not sleeping, but not getting dressed, avoiding going out, and neglecting myself.  The fridge was bare and the shower bone dry.  How did I end up here again, AGAIN?

I've been to the classes, I've read the books, I've got the strategies to see me through right?  But I wasn't doing any of them.  They definitely won't work if I don't do them.

So I acknowledged my mood and I read over my sheets from mental health team and thought about planning the next few weeks to see me through the rough times.

It start with the strategy "just turn up" in the hope I would just turn up for my own life.

I couldn't muster up the energy to get showered, I just pulled on my hat (to cover my greasy hair), I zipped up my big winter jacket (to cover my messy clothes), laced up my walking boots and got in the car with my dog.  In fairness my dog is the only person who would have risked being seen with me in public!  I started with a walk in the park.  I avoided any human contact, I wasn't up to that but trees I could handle.

It was a start, and it was just what I needed.  I did it the next day until I managed to get myself in the shower and looking and feeling like a human again.  I was slowly scrambling up the slippery slope of life again, thanks to a beanie hat and the pester power of a puppy.

Love Mrs Brown xx

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Graze, My First Ever Review!

Signed up to the latest craze in food box and I am not promoting the boxes just wanted to do an honest review as I absolutely LOVE them.

I didn't expect to, but I do!!

So I had read about the Graze box a few places, thought about it but let it go, until I saw a cheeky deal on Groupon and thought what have I got to lose.

I have had three boxes now and I have tried some things I never thought I would.

So how does it work?

Well you sign up to Graze box

• Choose how many times a week you would like your little box of treats to drop through your letter box
• Choose where you would like them delivered - work, home, one off gift?

Then what kind of box do you want?

Then start rating! Have a look at the goodies they have on offer and give them a better idea of what to put in your box.

So I felt totally in control.  I clicked 'bin it' for all the stuff I knew I just wouldn't even try and 'love it' for the things that sounded amazing.

My first box arrived.  On the day I nominated.  I thought I'd take some pics as I was quite excited!

PicFrame Graze Box - I'm getting high tech

The box says 'Please turnover, unless you want to make a mess'.  I was worried, how will this work?

I needn't have.  The nibbles are in cute little tubs. They were kinda smaller than I expected.  My eyes were bigger than my belly though!

Each snack is just the right size!  Perfect for a snicky snack that keeps you full, is damn tasty, and you know everything that's in them so great if your watching your weight!!

Professional picture - screen shot of Graze box

I have been taking them to work as I get bored with sandwiches and these little treats are great to snack on throughout the day.  I say treat, because the flavours are amazing.  I can be a bit picky and tend to go for safe options.  I have been mighty impressed with every little pack so far.

The rice cracker thingys packed a punch, the breadsticks were crunchy and flavoursome, the salsa dip was like no other.  The simple combo of black pepper and pistachios was stunning.  That's the savoury stuff now onto the sweet.

Marvellous macaroon.  That names start the taste buds tingling.  Amaretti biscuit pieces, white chocolate, coconut flakes and almond slices.  I think this is my favourite so far but it is a hard run race.

They just cover all bases.  The names, the portions, the flavours I think they have things just right.

So I am in no way promoting them, just gushing as I am in love with @grazedotcom

If you wish to try a box for free head on over to http://www.graze.com/p/F4D4GNP

If you've been thinking about it, why not give them a go.  As far as snacks go, they are so convenient (delivered to your address!) there is so many options, and for £3.89 a box I think they are soo worth it.

Any questions feel free to ask

Love Mrs Brown xx

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