Friday, 24 August 2012

Depressing shopping or depressed with shopping?

Strangely today, I have woken up with a sense of enthusiasm.  I attended Assertiveness group today & even talked a little.  Yeah, I know me talking in group, that's a first!  So I decided to use my new found energy & keep moving.

Finally returned some things to shop after my online spurge where nothing fitted (but in a good, yeah, it's too big way).  I have been known to keep things even if I don't like them or they don't fit, just because I was never in the right frame of mind to take them back, to have to interact with people other than for work or treatment.  I know that sounds absolutely ridiculous I mean it's a two minute conversation which goes much like this
me: Can I return these please? 
sales person: Is there anything wrong with them?
me: No, I'm sorry just don't fit
sales person: ok, sign here
DONE! Right? Well for me this scenario is missing some massive details.  The first is the anticipation of the above conversation, the overthinking on my part.  What are they going to say about how long I've had them? What if they don't believe me? This I can rationalise & usually get over but not without starting the panic about finding time (in my hectic, however non existent social life), getting parked, business of the shops, what to wear etc etc.  This delays the whole process some time.

Then comes the real mind games.  What does taking these clothes back really mean?  A harmless question you may think, with a simple answer.  For me the thoughts of inadequacy, body hating, low self esteem, not fitting with fashion, not having a sense of style, always getting it wrong all these thoughts are now bound up in the fabric of the clothes I want to take back.  To let you know, the clothes I am returning are from 2 weeks ago, I tried them on that day but it has taken me this amount of time to pluck up the courage to carry out a simple task.

That's what depression does to you.  That's what mental health is all about.  It is about affecting the small things that other people take for granted.  It's more than just being sad.  It's more than just picking yourself up & getting on with it.

Anyway you will be happy to know I did return the clothes, later than the standard return time, so it won't be the first time I have been charged for 1. delivery of said clothes (because I try to avoid people & shopping) 2. returning of said clothes (because I avoided people & shopping) and bear in mind all the money I have been charged was just to try these clothes on, I never actually keep them!  Or if I do they hang in my wardrobe or take up space in my drawers desperately hiding from my husband, someone who never avoids people, I would never even think about being charged for it.

Whilst in the shop, I did see something I did like.  So having tried on the clothes & knowing what size to go for I purchased an actual item today, from a real life shop.  You proud?  I do have a sarcatistic tone now but honestly you can't believe the things depression affects & what your mental health encroaches on.  So without further ado heres a pic of purchased item

Cute owl print shirt from Next
Look familiar? Yeah I posted this picture 2 weeks again when commenting on a failed shopping outing.  The outing that resulted in the online binge.  So I have went full circle & bought what I originally looked at in the first shop I originally went to.  No wonder men say we are terrible to shop with!  Cliche or what??

Have you ever gone full circle & ended up back where you started but happier with your decision because you took the long way?

Love Mrs Brown

ps I now have this shirt in pink too! Twit twoo???

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